


My Sweetest Downfall

by Diana_Prallon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Consensual Infidelity, Drama, Established Relationship, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Merlin Uni, Merthur - Freeform, Multi, Polyamory, Romance, bi-phobia, cast of thousands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2012-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-19 11:22:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/572726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diana_Prallon/pseuds/Diana_Prallon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Arthur and Merlin really love each other and are willing to go into any and every sort of trouble to make each other happy but still can't communicate properly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd first like to thanks to Dark K., who supported me into joining Merlin_Uni (it's my first fest! yey me!); and stood by me from the very beggining until right now, helping me, reading as I wrote and sent her bits through IM, and listening to my rants even as I called her landline and took her away from Friends to angst about my lateness and my inability to finish the story, even though she doesn't watch watch Merlin. I can't really explain how much it meant, and how helpful it was.
> 
> Then I'd like give a shout out to my cousin, who also read all of it first hand, and sat with me this Friday as I cried and didn't know what to do about the story; even if he skipped most of sex-related stuff. You were an amazing cheerleader, and I'm grateful for it; the same goes for Syd that had to hear me fretting even if she didn't even know what exactly I was writing, as well to everyone in the HoC foruns that stood with my during writing sessions and guaranteed I'd be able to do it.
> 
> Also, I'd like to thank my fantastic beta, Maggie, who accepted to check my fic even if I came to ask quite late in the process. I'm still feeling guilty about her lungs, and she did an amazing job at not only fixing my many mistakes, but also pointing out details about British University Life that helped me build the story. All mistakes you might still find are completely up to me, and not her fault at all. 
> 
> Last but not least, I'd like to thank each and every person that helped build this fest - from those who sent prompts to those who just came to check the stories. There are no words for how thankful I am.
> 
> Now, to the story!
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** The characters depicted herein belong to Shine and BBC. I make no profit from this endeavor.

**Chapter 1**

Counseling night was always the most tiresome night of the week. Arthur could have chosen not to take part – he wasn’t one of the appointed counselors anymore, but he always found that it was important for him to show his people that he wasn’t above any ordinary duty. Also, he loved when someone he had counseled before came by just to talk about how much better they were doing. He had always thought that counseling was one of the most important parts of the work done by the Rainbow Table Society, a part where they could actually make a difference.

As the president of the group, it was now his duty to work on the important political agendas and serve as a liaison between the group and the other University Societies, the University Board and the outside world. It was important work, that could change the big things, but to Arthur, none of that seemed to matter nearly as much as the small changes that turned people from unhappy and unsure into self-confident people that could accept who they were. There was no point in having more progressive politics if the people that should benefit weren’t able to enjoy them for having problems with their own sexual identity or among their friends and family.

Arthur was adamant that he would come around every counseling night and never made appointments during those occasions. He also asked the same of those all responsible for administrative duties within the Rainbow Table – and most of the team were happy to show up. During previous administrations, the Counseling Night had been solely for those within the Rainbow Table or people with problems regarding their sexual orientations, but Arthur had changed that. He would accept anyone in need of conversation, and would nurse broken hearts as keenly as they’d tackle problems with homophobic faculty members.

Those were the nights when he would go straight to Merlin after leaving the Rainbow Table, in desperate need of his arms around him. Some nights he would come happily talking about the achievements they’d had, on others, he was desperate, wondering if the world could ever become a place where people like them were truly accepted.

Of course, Merlin wasn’t exactly the best person he could voice his doubts to, but he was everything Arthur wanted at the end of such days. Even when Merlin couldn’t say anything to help, his very presence was a reason for Arthur to keep trying and never give up – and maybe, maybe one day, no one would need to go through what they needed to go through.

Ever since he first became a counselor in the society, back in his first year at Albion University, he had kept a score of the worst counseling nights ever, but none had been quite as awful as this one.

First he had to talk to a postgraduate student – whose name might be Cedric or Sigan, depending on the occasion – he had multiple personality disorder. While Sigan was the campest of gays, Cedric was deeply homophobic. It pained Arthur every time he came around, because it was clear to him that the only way he had been able to deal with his desires was by creating a whole other personality. Arthur never managed to get much of the story, but it was clear that Cedric had gone through a lot when he was growing up. The psychology department at the university had talked to Arthur about this case, and while they were in favour of a harder approach to deal with his problem, Cedric’s tutor was deeply against any kind of major treatment before he finished his PhD. Professor Marshall was deeply suspicious of the psychiatric treatments, and Cedric was a star student of mathematics. He was also a handful of work for both the Round Rainbow and the psychiatrists’ office.

 After two fighting girls, a new boy that had been bullied through High School and a homophobe that had waited around for his office to be empty just to offer Arthur a piece of his mind on his “filthy practices” – and had been escorted outside by campus security, Arthur came back to his office to find Owain waiting for him. It was nearly the end of the night, and he looked nervous.

“Bad day?”

Owain shrugged. Nothing ever bothered him much, and this was one of the reasons he had won the Masters Rep post by the vast majority of the votes six months earlier. Arthur had known Owain well even before that, and had voted for him, although he didn’t share his views on the matter with anyone. As the president of the society, his opinion would influence too many people, and he didn’t want that. Some presidents had hated the fact that the people responsible for specific dealings with the undergraduates, Masters and PhD’s representatives were elected separated from the main president, but Arthur found it wonderful, and a great opportunity to meet new people, even if it meant that he had to deal with Morgause often as she was the PhD’s rep.

“I’ve had worse,” he said, lightly. “You?”

Arthur made a large movement showing the state of his office after the confrontation with the crazy homophobe guy. His papers were all over the floor, the chair was turned upside down, and there was a new crack in his desk. Owain just chuckled.

“At least it wasn’t on you, mate,” he said, gesturing towards the damaged desk.

“Oh, he tried,” said Arthur, laughing. “Probably expected me to cry or flinch.”

“He didn’t expect you to be a killing machine,” teased Owain, and Arthur punched him lightly.

The other man smiled for a moment, before getting serious again.

“I have to talk to you,” he said, and he looked a bit embarrassed about it. Arthur smiled in a comforting way, before getting the chair back up and gesturing for Owain to sit – before moving to his own chair. Owain didn’t sit, but he put his hands on his pockets, and Arthur knew enough about psychology to know that this was a sign of bad news.

“What is up?” asked Arthur, concerned.

Owain took a deep breath before answering.

“My dad found out about the Rainbow Table.”

“Yes?” asked Arthur, tentatively. Owain had come out to his father years ago, when he was still an undergrad. Arthur had been there for him the whole process, and while the man had been bitter about it, his reaction was far better than other cases they had dealt with.

“And he said that if I want to dabble with rainbow politics – as he calls it – I don’t need a degree. He told me that if I didn’t leave the office, he would stop paying. That I should choose between my degree and my position here.”

Owain looked crestfallen at Arthur, and while it wasn’t exactly the end of the world, it was a hard choice. Owain kept on moving now, shifting his weight between his feet.

“I could apply for a scholarship, and I’d easily get one, but now…” Owain shrugged. “I’ll have to step back or I’ll miss the year.” Arthur begun to speak, but was silenced with his hand. “I won’t take this lightly, I won’t pretend for him, and I’ll find a way to pay my own education for next year, and come back to the team, but…” his voice dropped, and then he added softly. “He’s _still_ my father.”

Arthur nodded at that. He had always hoped that Owain would be the next general president of the Rainbow Table after Arthur graduated, but it wouldn’t happen if Owain needed to work his ass off to pay for Albion’s fees and fight his own battles with his father. Still, he understood all too well that sometimes you needed to take a step back in order to get what you wanted – Owain loved his father deeply, and wouldn’t give up on the old man.

“I’m sorry,” added Owain, and Arthur stood up, coming closer and patting him on the shoulder.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“I should have known…” he said, and then shook his head. “Ewan will work in my stead until the Election Day. It’s all settled, he’s preparing the first notifications of the new election as we speak.”

It hurt Arthur that other people had learned about it before he had, and at the same time, he was proud that Owain had kept his head on his shoulders and prepared for a swift change. It was one of his many qualities. They exchanged a few more words before Owain left.

As his _ex_ -Masters rep of graduation left, Morgause leaned on his door. She gave him a look that probably should show pity, but since it was Morgause, it looked more like a mix of annoyance and toothache. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to say what she wanted, and her voice was lower than usual when she finally spoke.

“There’s one more here for you.”

It was late, and generally they’d be finishing by this hour, but after all the mess of the night, and the worries about Owain, on what other kind of crazy schemes he’d need to get to Merlin’s house unnoticed that night, the need to deal with campus security in the morning and file a complaint about the night's incident, he would be happy to deal with someone else’s problems for the moment.

As Morgause spoke, his last visitor came to the door, and Arthur felt the concern rising inside him again. He had thought it would have been a new kid, or someone he barely knew, but it was Elena – who had been quite active in the Rainbow Table since her first day. Her face was all puffed from crying, her dark green eyes shot and red. Even though she had cropped her hair short, it still looked like a mess, and not one artistically done, but from having been messed up with too often by her hands scrubbing through it in distress.

Arthur stood up gesturing her inside, and was walking towards the not-so-pretty-but-utterly-comfortable sofa when Elena held him close, clumsily grabbing him about the waist. Morgause smiled at them and closed the door, leaving them alone. Elena was still attached to him and he was patting her head in lack of a better thing to do, until he cleared his throat.

“Come here” he said, and Elena let go of him. They sat in the sofa, facing each other. “What is going on?”

This turned out to be a bad question, Elena started crying again, sobbing in a completely undignified manner that was very characteristic of her. Thinking about the earlier events, he looked at her clothes, and although her trainers seemed to have been attacked by mud, the rest of her seemed fine – as fine as Elena’s clothes ever got, at least, with old baggy pants and oversized shirts that often had holes in them. 

“It’s ok, it’s ok” said Arthur, giving her a wad of tissues that she used promptly. “Whatever it is, Elena, it will be ok.”

She managed to calm down enough for him to decide it was time to try again.

“Tell me what happened.” His voice was soft and caring.

“I went to this new thing the Engineering students are forming…” Arthur clenched his fists. The engineering students weren’t known for being the most accepting lot. They had never bothered Elena about it – she was, after all, a girl – but he’d had his fair share of problems with the _boys_ that studied there. “To help new students in need of tutoring, not only in engineering, but also from other schools…”

He nodded, and she took a deep breath before going on.

“It was organized by this guy. I had never seen him before…”

“Was he mean?” asked Arthur, prompting.

 “He was a gentleman,” said Elena, with a stifled laugh. “An absolute gentleman. He was adorable with everyone, and kept talking to me. And I- I…” she looked like a lost puppy, and looked down before finishing the sentence. “I loved it.”

Arthur said nothing, just waited to hear more.

“He seemed interested in me, and said I’d be a great teacher. He’s studying environmental engineering, and is that ‘I’ll-save-the-world’ kind of guy?”

“I’m an ‘I’ll-save-the-world’ kind of guy!” said Arthur, pretending to be offended, and Elena chuckled.

“Shut up” she ordered, shaking her head. “He talked for ages about how he envisioned it to be… And he’s so _handsome_!” Elena looked back to him, probably expecting him to be judgmental, but Arthur merely listened. “He’s also the head of the Environmental Protection Society…” she added, and Arthur did react then.

“I know the guy… DeLago, right?” he said, remembering the incredible handsome bloke that had been present at the beginning of term reunion with the Albion Staff.

“His name is Lance” she said, then, softly. “I kind of liked him… in a non-platonic and certainly sexual way.”

That surprised Arthur a bit – Elena had always been all about girls, and never showed the slightest interest in boys before, but Lance did have something about him that made everyone feel comfortable and accepted, the kind of man that could possibly wake dormant feelings.

“Is _that_ the problem?” he asked, softly. “Elena, surely you know that…”

“He has a girlfriend,” she said shaking her head. “She’s beautiful, Arthur, really beautiful.”

“Please do not share your kinky thoughts,” said Arthur, shielding himself with his hands.

It was meant as a joke, and he had known Elena for ages, but it caused her to start sobbing again, desperate, and Arthur wanted to punch himself in the head.

“I think I’m starting to like boys,” she said finally, still crying.

Arthur put his hand on her shoulder, pressing it firmly.

“Sometimes it takes a while for us to find out, but bisexuality is a sexual orientation the same as any other…”

“No!” she said firmly, pulling herself away from him. “No, Arthur, don’t.”

Arthur took a deep breath – he hadn’t expected her to make such a statement. There were many people, even in the Rainbow Table, that despised bisexuals, but Elena had never came across that way.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think anything” she went on. “She’s beautiful, her smile is adorable, and I thought _nothing_. I _felt_ nothing” she looked lost for a moment, before adding. “Just a bit of envy and heartbreak” she said, with a sad smile.

“Not every girl….” He began, but she gestured for him to be silent.

“Boys never noticed me – except to tell me what a dyke I was. And girls… Well, some did. Everyone always assumed I was a lesbian because…” she gestured to herself, and then, her voice broke. “What if I also just assumed it? What if I never was…? What if… I don’t know, Arthur. I _never_ felt the way I did when he touched my hand with a girl. _Any_ girl – but I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention that bit to Morgana or Morgause.”

He smiled at her, and patted her hand.

“God, no. I never mention sex in front of Morgana _or_ Morgause if I can help it.”

Elena chuckled, and then got sad again.

“I think you may have fallen a little bit in love with DeLago, but that’s alright… I felt a little bit in love with him myself when he spoke in the societies meeting” said Arthur, trying to ease the tension. “It means nothing. It doesn’t mean you are straight, or bisexual, or a lesbian, or anything…”

“That’s not everything,” she confessed, before continuing. “He introduced me to my first student… And it all happened again” she looked away. “I couldn’t stop wondering _things_ and… He was really nice, you know? Tall, muscled, and yet the most sweet and caring boy I’ve ever met – and I’m counting Lance in this. And when he mentioned he’s single, I swear, I couldn’t stop wondering…”

She sniffled, clearly looking like she would have cried, but the tears seemed to have ended, for now, and he pulled her to lie against his shoulder.

“You know that I think?” said Arthur, holding her. “That we use these… _categories_ because we need them, for now… But, honestly, we just like _people_. There are people we feel attracted to, but not in a sexual way, there are people that we think we’d never go for, until they start speaking and the whole world changes, there are people that always go after the same things, and there are people that don’t.” He could hear her breath calming down as he spoke, and he caressed her hair as well. “And I think you are a wonderful girl that is feeling very confused because you feel the need to sort yourself into a category, and there’s no need for that. It changes nothing, really. It doesn’t make your life a lie – and certainly it doesn’t invalidate your participation here, if that’s one of the things bothering you. I mean… You still believe in our work, don’t you?”

She nodded, and he smiled, even though she couldn’t see it.

“There you go. You see? It makes no difference, Elena, and it’s nobody’s business but your own. I think that if you feel so much about this guy, you should try and see how it goes” she raised her head and looked at him, shocked. “Not DeLago, the other one.” he clarified, smiling, “Unless you are looking for a new kind of threesome.”

She punched him on the arm for this and he laughed.

“Are you serious?” she asked, then, her face a bit more hopeful.

“I am positive,” he said “And if someone else has a problem with you experimenting, I’ll deal with them for you.”

Elena smiled at him, and held him in one of her awkward embraces.

“Thank you” she said, and he could hear the gratefulness in her voice. “Anytime” he said, and smiled at her as she stood up. “I mean it. Anytime.”

And as she waved him goodbye with a hopeful smile, Arthur knew that all the troubles the Rainbow Table made him go through were worth it.

* * *

 

The worse part of being president of the university’s LGBT society was that Arthur easily became a target for crazy maniacs such as the Edwin bloke that had shown up earlier. And while he had handled it well, it didn’t mean that Edwin was acting alone – bullies rarely ever were – and Arthur had no choice but to accept that the Campus security would escort him to his car. They could only protect him inside the campus premises, and as Arthur’s apartment was outside, in the city, it wasn’t much help. It would have been silly of them to try anything so soon, but as he drove towards the road, he noticed that there was a car following him.

It wasn’t his first experience with such behaviour and it wouldn’t be his last, he was certain. As long as he was an important and active voice for the gay rights, there would be people targeting him. He kept cool, tracing his route in his head, how he’d shake them off. It didn’t matter if they knew where he lived or not – just last year a couple boys had been arrested when trying to vandalise the building because of his father’s tight security measures to protect his life.

He drove past his street, turning left on the third street after it. The other car was a bit behind, and he accelerated to try and turn again before they reached the street. As he was turning again, he saw the car entering the street with his lights off. If Arthur hadn’t been sure that he was being followed before, he knew for certain now.

He tried to reach home as fast as he could, but still he turned on the street before his and got into a tiny little street – almost an alley – that left him on the right side of the building. He thanked his father in his thoughts for all his precautions, and drove inside the garage underneath the building. The street was silent from what he could tell, but as he walked toward the elevator, he heard the doorman chuckled.

"Good night, hem? A bit of chasing going around.”

“I didn’t do anything,” said Arthur, trying to defend himself.

“You like cock, that’s enough for some people” said the doorman, nonchalantly, “One day it won’t be” said Arthur, firmly, and he heard the doorman chuckle again as he walked into the lift.

It was going to be one of those nights. He texted Merlin as soon as he got to his floor.

_Late night. On my way._

He walked inside the dark apartment and didn’t even bother turning the lights on, going straight for the fire escape. He climbed the steps easily, going for the roof. It was an easy jump to the next building’s roof, one he was used to taking a few times a week. He landed lightly, walked across to the other fire stairs and climbed the five floors before jumping inside the corner building’s premises. Merlin’s flat was in an old building and didn’t have cameras or doormen working. He walked until he found the right ladder and climbed up to Merlin’s apartment. The window was already open.

“Are you insane, _Mer_ lin? Anyone could come in through here. I could have been a thief!” he called into the empty apartment.

“Don’t be a prat,” said a voice in the next room. “You said you were arriving, I opened the window. No need to make a big deal out of it.”

He walked into the living room to find Merlin in the middle of over complicated schematics that he couldn’t begin to understand even if he tried. Merlin gave a big smile as he saw him, his eyes turned into slits and his cheekbones becoming even more prominent. As Arthur walked to him, Merlin stood up and welcomed him into his arms, in a tight embrace and a light peck on his mouth.

“God, you’re stinking,” said his boyfriend, charming as usual. “Straight to the bathroom!”

He loved when Merlin became bossy, and gave him one of his most charming grins before speaking.

“If I’m that bad, I’ll need help in order to get clean,” said Arthur, pulling Merlin through his shirt. “I couldn’t possibly do it by myself.”

Merlin gave a tiny laugh before kissing him again.

“Eager, are we?” said the man, pushing him to the bathroom. “I’ll help.”

He pulled Arthur’s clothes off as they walked in the bathroom, which promptly caused his body to react happily to the touches. Merlin grinned at that and turned the shower on, the water freezing in the beginning of January.

“ _Merlin!”_ he screamed, and his boyfriend laughed happily.

“It was too good to miss it,” he said, turning the heating on. “Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you.”

And as watched Merlin undress with the promise of rewards later, he knew that he was a lucky, lucky man.

* * *

 

As soon as they were out of the shower, Merlin pushed Arthur into the bed, laying with his belly down and crawled upon his back.

“You are incredibly tense,” he complained, using his long fingers to ease a particularly swollen spot. “You have not being doing the breathing and easing exercises I told you to.”

Arthur grumped against the pillow while Merlin stood up again.

“This is no use,” he said, reaching for the oil. “This will help a bit with the pain, but you _have_ to learn how to not let it affect you so badly!”

“I was chased again,” was Arthur’s only answer, and Merlin sneered. “And a guy named Edwin came around to pick up a fight with me – a literal fist fight.”

“Edwin?” asked Merlin, alarmed.

“I think that’s his name, yeah. Do you know him?”

Merlin kept on massaging the spots with all his efficiency for a while, before answering.

“He’s a med student,” he said, after some time, “nasty piece of work.”

“I noticed that” Arthur answered, annoyed. “It became quite clear.”

“He never struck me as the physical combat kind of guy,” added Merlin, still moving his fingers. “He’s more of the ‘I’ll make so many awful comments you wish you never been born’ kind of bully.”

“So you know him _personally_?” asked Arthur, turning to look at his boyfriend.

“Keep still” complained Merlin, forcing him back to his previous position. “And, _yes_ , he used to be an anatomy tutor, Gwen had a few sessions with him in her first year, and Will hates his guts – he treated her like crap and said that it was a shame that the med school had become so desperate as to accept _black people_ and _girls_ at that into their course.”

“Lovely bloke, really” said Arthur, with a snort.

“He also said that he thinks the only good reason to choose physiotherapy is not being smart enough to be a real doctor and that I should be ashamed if even Gwen had managed that. I didn’t care much, but you know what Will’s like, he became incensed.”

“Don’t tell me – he’s also loaded.”

Merlin gave a stifled laugh at that.

“Not at all – he’s an orphan and grew up in care; he got into Albion with a scholarship.”

Arthur snorted at that, disbelieving.

“So he’s some sort of Voldemort.”

“Let’s hope that he doesn’t develop magical powers as well,” agreed Merlin. “It’s bad enough as it is – and while Gwen is really smart, I wouldn’t want her to be the next Hermione Granger.”

Merlin kept on moving his hands around Arthur’s back, easing every tense spot he could find. The smell of the oil filled the room, and nothing could feel more like home than _this_.

“Speaking of Gwen” said Arthur, changing the subject. “Her boyfriend’s name came around in the counseling today.”

“Really? Some other boy heartbroken over Lance’s heterosexuality?”

“Actually, it was Elena” explained Arthur, allowing Merlin to turn him around. “She kind of fell for him a bit and freaked out thinking she had never been a lesbian and that her whole life was a lie – especially since she thought Gwen was lovely but didn’t feel attracted to her.”

Merlin snorted.

“You guys are a mess,” he said. “Why can’t she just be bisexual?”

“It’s complicated,” said the blond man, pulling Merlin closer – his body was more than relaxed now, except for the bits that wished his boyfriend to be more inclined to other types of action. “Not everyone can deal with it – and it came as a bit of a shock to her. Also, it wasn’t only Lance, she got her sights into another engineering bloke, one she’s supposed to tutor.”

“And the plot thickens” teased Merlin.

“It’s not the only thing thickening,” answered Arthur, suggestively.

Merlin laughed, touching him mischievously.

“God, you’re insatiable after a counseling night” he tried to complain, but soon enough he was all over Arthur, giving him hot wet kisses that could only lead to steamy sex – and a perfect ending to an evening that had started out badly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Some people are born with special talents. Some are born in families that have their whole future planned for them. Some are born with no need to figure out what they’ll do with their lives, because they don’t need to work a single day. Arthur was all of those things – a natural leader, a law student in a family of successful lawyers, and as rich as they come.

Merlin, on the other hand, was none of those things – but he was passionate, inspired and ridiculously good at what he did. He studied a lot, he worked hard, and he had a dream of a better future, and he wouldn’t trade it for all of Arthur’s easy choices.

When he was a young boy, Merlin had admired and looked up to his uncle Gaius. He dreamed of growing up to be a doctor and take care of everyone around Ealdor. At the age of five, he had his own medical kit – with tonics he prepared himself in the bathroom when no one could see, an old stethoscope and some Band-Aids.

He was eight when it all changed.

For the first – and last – time in Merlin’s living memory, Hunith had agreed to go to one of his father’s family’s celebrations. It was his grandmother’s birthday – seventy – and she really wanted her youngest grandchild to be there. The old woman must have used all the emotional tricks in the book, claimed she was too old and wouldn’t live long and that she hadn’t seen Merlin since he was learning how to walk. Still, his mother didn’t agree to go until they all had been adamant that Balinor wouldn’t make it – and warning that if she met him, she would come home immediately and they’d never hear about Merlin again.

His parents’ relationship (or lack thereof) didn’t bother him yet. Merlin knew his father travelled a lot with uncle Killdary, always moving to different parts of the world. Sometimes he’d get a phone call, a few times a year he’d get post cards and trinkets from every place they visited. He didn’t even wonder what his father did, or why he moved that much – children hardly ever question these things. He knew his mother couldn’t stand his father, but he thought it was because he was never around and kept travelling all year long.

He knew, of course, that his parents had broken up before he was even born – before Hunith even knew she was pregnant – and that they never spoke again. Of course, his mother hadn’t told him any of this, but Mrs. Oswin from the bakery was a real gossiper and loved to share her knowledge – but when Merlin asked her why, she scowled and said it was no matter to be discussed with children.

Merlin just thought it was one of those things grown-ups made complicated when they really weren’t, just because they didn’t really say what was on their mind.

His grandmother’s birthday had been a big party, full of people – and children. Although they had never met, Merlin was soon playing freely with his cousins and other kids. They were playing tag, running around, and after many complaints from the older people, moved a bit further from the middle of the party. No one took much notice when they started running further and further – closer to the plastic veil that divided the party area from outside.

Merlin had always being clumsy and hardly ever took notice of important things – and this was how he ran over the plastic veil, running away from one of the other children (Edward was his name, he still remembered the look on his face) to find out there was neither wall nor ground on the other side.

Merlin didn’t remember much of the three story fall, it all happened too fast – he registered that there was no ground, and suddenly there was a ground, hitting him hard and stealing his breath, his whole body torn apart in completely unnatural ways.

The worst bit was that he didn’t faint – at least not for long – and he could hear the screams of his cousins, the desperation of the adults, his mother’s unreasonable accusations that this was his grandmother’s fault, that she was right to have stayed away from them all along, the sound of the sirens coming for him.

Inside the ambulance hadn’t been so bad – except for his mother sobbing. They gave him something for the pain, and drove him to the nearest hospital, where the doctors asked a number of questions and carried out loads of tests. Soon enough they took him to a different room and asked him to take a deep breath into a machine sending air and he knew nothing more.

When Merlin woke up, he registered considerable pain in many parts of his body. Soon he learned he couldn’t move his legs that had been cast and were hanging in something he couldn’t quite see. His head was also bandaged, and he had an enormous headache.

Hunith noticed soon that he was awake, and the doctor came to ask more questions about how he was feeling and explained to him what exactly had happened. He had broken both legs in several places, but luckily, the fall hadn’t destroyed anything inside him. He had also bumped his head quite hard, and they had to open it to stop it from bleeding too much. Dr. Noreen assured that the headache would get better soon, but when he asked about his legs, his face said more than enough.

Merlin would have to stay at the hospital for quite a while – weeks. And even after that, he wouldn’t be walking for a long, long time – years, maybe, if he _did_ manage to walk again.

Another child might have sulked, but Merlin merely accepted it as his due for his own idiocy. Hunith was still crying, and uncle Gaius was talking about the advancements of medicine, and how he might turn out alright.

Two days later, he woke up to the sound of someone different sitting on his bedside. He was surprised to see that it was his father, with a look of deep worry in his face. Uncle Kilgare was by his side, and gave Merlin an enigmatic smile.

They talked for a bit, and he apologized for taking too long – while Merlin quickly pointed out he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon – and moved on to talk about their lives since they had last spoke.

Uncle Kilgare was in the middle of a funny story about their visit to the Dominican Republic when his mother arrived – she had gone home to wash and pick up some clothes – and all hell broke loose.

“Get this pervert away from my child” was her first sentence – and Merlin was shocked to hear usually calm Hunith talking in such fashion. She was pale with anger, and gesturing to the nurses. “I didn’t give them leave to come.”

“He’s the father” said the poor confused girl. “Surely…”

“Fine!” she said sternly. “But I won’t have this O’Garrah pervert anywhere near my son.”

“Hunith…” started his father, but she didn’t even look at him – she was staring at uncle Kilgare with murder in her eyes.

“Out. Out of here! How dare you? After _everything_? Wasn’t it enough? You want to steal my son was well?”

Merlin was deeply confused, but Uncle Kilgare seemed to stay calm and spoke with his usual voice.

“You’re not being sensible Hunith. I have told you before, I never wished to cause you harm in any way. Some bonds can’t be denied, and even if I tried to fight against it, I couldn’t.”

“A bit rich coming from the man who stole my husband” she spitted, and Merlin gasped. She looked at her son horrified, and ran, holding him close and trying to close his rather large ears and if it would prevent him from listening. “Leave and never come near my son again. As you said yourself, O’Garrah, some bonds can’t be denied and I’ll do _anything_ to avoid Merlin having to deal with people like _you_.”

Uncle Kilgare left without another word, but giving Merlin a wink that made Hunith even angrier. She kept on shooing him as he left and that earned them a serious telling off from the Head Nurse, who wasn’t amused at all at this little family reunion.

Balinor had apologized profusely and left soon, promising Merlin to stay in touch. The boy was absolutely pissed off with his mother, he had been really happy to see his father other than a strained visit during the Christmas holidays – which made his headache come back and Dr. Noreen lecturing his mother about how she should keep her head leveled not to harm her son further.

Which, at least, made Merlin feel a bit better about himself before dozing off to a blessed sleep fuelled by painkillers.

His initial acceptance of the situation didn’t last long – soon the cast begun to make him itchy and he felt annoyed at having to stay in bed all the time. It made him feel like a big baby, using diapers, being changed, and all those small indignities. He wasn’t small enough for them not to hurt and wasn’t mature enough to accept them.

Merlin was about to burst when he was introduced to Dr. Annis, fifteen days into his hospital stay. She soon began to work into helping Merlin to stretch and move, light things at first, then increasing the difficulty of the tasks. Merlin heard that Annis was the Queen of Physiotherapy in the area, and she certainly behaved as one. She was patient, but stern; demanding, but kind.

She stood by Merlin’s side for the whole process – through his weeks at the hospital, urging him to sit by himself, to strengthen his arms, and to do many things he had always taken for granted before the accident. Hunith stood by her son for the first few weeks, until it became clear that he’d have a long time before being able to go home – so she quit her job and came to work in the laundry across from the hospital. She’d come by every day before and after work, and rented the flat on the top of the laundry to be closer to her son, since she wasn’t allowed to stay with him at the hospital overnight – Merlin never saw the flat, but from what he was told, it was a matchbox packed with fleas.

It took him the best part of five months to get the cast taken off for good, for there were many complications with his fractures, and even then he couldn’t possibly stand. He’d spend a few more months in a wheel-chair. Although he’d be able to go home, he’d still be seeing Dr. Annis quite often. For the first sessions, she came over to his house – and afterwards, Gaius’ would drive him to her office.

It wasn’t quite an office; more like a big playhouse of physiotherapy (Merlin wished he’d have one like that one day). Annis never stopped believing in him, even when it took him longer than usual to get back to standing. She encouraged him to walk, even if it seemed that his legs didn’t know how to do it anymore. When Merlin was moody or feeling like he’d never be able to run again, she’d talk to him and tell him stories of other people she treated. He even got to meet some of them, when everyone gathered for an early Christmas party.

On Boxing Day his father turned up, alone. His mum had known he was coming, and he was alone with Gaius for the duration of the visit. It was much later than the time they had set when Balinor finally showed up – Merlin had been afraid that he’d bail after the fight with his mother in the hospital. When Gaius opened the door to show Balinor – damp from the snow and looking thoroughly sorry to be late, Merlin forgot himself and tried go to his father. He didn’t make it, but he took his first step after the surgery, which was a cause for general celebration. Even his mother found it in her to wish Balinor a good night as he hastily left after her arrival.

Soon enough Merlin was walking again, using crutches, but Annis wasn’t ready to let him go. She found him knew challenges, taking him to the playground across her house for ‘special exercise’ – walking on the sand of the playground, using the swing by himself, climbing on the jungle gym, playing on the teeter-totter, and many other activities he had forgotten how much he loved. She didn’t discharge him from her care until she saw him beating one of the playground kids in a run during tag, the crutches forgotten in the floor.

Merlin was healed – and even more than that: he had found his life’s ambition.

He had been touched by how thoroughly Dr. Annis had taken care of him, by her dedication. And he knew that it wasn’t only about Merlin, it was _her duty_ , she’d say, to make each one of them heal: the children with broken bones, the ones that had defects, the old ladies and the young men. He had loved the idea of being able to fix people like Gaius did, but this was something else entirely: he wouldn’t just patch them up and send them home to try and come back to their normal lives, he’d be ready to stick around for the whole process, helping them until they were as if nothing had ever happened, the way Annis had stuck with him until the very end.

Of course, as he grew up, he realized that he couldn’t _always_ do that, and the more he studied in the university, the limitations of his chosen career became more and more obvious, but it never diminished his passion or his wish to work with physiotherapy – it just made him want to find new, better ways to help people.

That was what Merlin was about, really.

Even long after he was healed, he still stopped by Annis’ house to catch up or to entertain patients with his life story. It was also a refuge when the hard teen years came, and he realized _exactly what_ his mother had meant when she said that Killgare had stolen her husband and how much she despised his father for loving another man.

Annis talked to him thoroughly about it, about how sometimes people had a hard time accepting other people’s lifestyles, or how his mother was most likely bitter about losing her husband. When Merlin got angry at his father because he’d left his pregnant mother, she smacked his head and reminded him that he hadn’t even known about Merlin and that if he had stayed, all of them would have been miserable, leading a life of lies that would inevitably lead to more pain than the one they had.

She was the only person in the world, save Arthur, who knew that Merlin liked boys. Annis had dealt with her fair share of his crises when he first fell for a (obviously straight and absolutely unattainable) boy – and even more of those when he found himself fancying a girl next. She had been the one to explain to him that he wasn’t insane – or a nymphomaniac – but a normal person with normal feelings.

It was hard to come to terms with not being straight when his mother wouldn’t even want to hear a word about the subject. Whenever there was something on the news about the pride parade or some LGBT movement, she’d change channels and complain about how it was taking time and money out of “things that are important for _normal_ people”.

Deep down he knew that his mother didn’t exactly hate gay people – she just rather pretend they didn’t exist. She didn’t change when one of her friend’s daughter came out of the closet and brought a girlfriend back from University for the over the Christmas holidays, but she really had a hard time dealing with the fact that she was known in Ealdor as the woman that was left by her husband for another man – an older man at that, since Killgare was around ten years older than Hunith and Balinor.

Teen years had been confusing and hard, struggling to deal with his sexual impulses in silence, the awkward conversations with his father where  he tried to explain to Merlin what had happened, and the even more awkward fumbling with Emily Dane, his middle school girlfriend, and weird snogs with boys when he went in field trip to Manchester only to discover the pleasures of Canal Street and how it was to have actual sex with an actual man during High School only to find himself falling head over hills with a new girl, Lucy Pond, in his final year, and enjoying every little thing they did together, sexual or not.

Most kids in his position would have felt better when leaving the small town of Ealdor, deep in the Lake District, to the distant town of Caerleon, near Cardiff. Most kids would have experimented, told people about it, and tried a number of possibilities.

But none of them had his complicated history and a sick mother back at home. All the stress of her life and family history had taken its toll, and her kidney failure had advanced beyond her years (she even blessed Balinor for having granted her son perfect kidneys, the one positive thing she said about him in all those years). Merlin just didn’t have the heart to tell her about himself – and become a major disappointment – then. Probably she wouldn’t even understand, since he clearly had enjoyed his fair share of girls. Merlin had thought he could deal with that – for a while, for she didn’t have that long – and then he’d still have all the time in the world and no one would be hurt.

Then he met Arthur – who was perfect, annoying, a complete prat and very much into Merlin. They had lived in the same halls in their first year, and Arthur pestered him and teased him until the last night of term, after a huge amount of unadvised drinking, he had given in to him and snogged him senseless inside his room. Thankfully, his roommate was more than busy with his girlfriend that night, and didn’t arrive in time to find the room in a complete disarray, and Merlin had gotten rid of the worst of the sex smell that seemed to cling everywhere – not that Gwaine would have noticed, since he smelled exactly the same by the time he came around, late into the next afternoon and decided to share with Merlin his amazing experience with group sex.

He thought it would come to nothing – they’d change accommodation the next year anyway since the building was finally being refurbished, but destiny had other ideas. Arthur got hold of his email somehow (the man had his ways, Merlin had to grant him that) and they spent the whole summer emailing each other, which led to texting, which led to sexting. And sooner than he would have believed, Merlin had fallen in love with the ridiculous prat and told him everything.

Arthur was the out and proud kind of guy, but how much he had grown to care for Merlin as well was obvious by his acceptance of the situation. When they came back, they would meet in secret, and Merlin thought it added something spicy to the relationship. If they met in public, they wouldn’t even acknowledge each other, until they happened to meet in the bathroom and have some kinky sex in a stall.

His new room proved to be a blessing, and gave him some of the best friends he could hope for – namely Gwen and Will – but even they had no idea about Arthur or even knew him more than in passing, as one of the guys from the Rainbow Table. Arthur managed to find himself a room that he didn’t need to share (as only money can find), in which they met often at the most ridiculous times and under various increasingly insane excuses.

Almost four years later, Merlin couldn’t regret a thing. They had been together for the good and the bad, and supported each other even if no one else knew about it. They shared an intimacy, their relationship wasn’t dictated by pressures from outside, and Merlin quite liked it that way.

Just sometimes – late at night, after they had talked and shagged and cuddled, Arthur already fast asleep – he couldn’t help but thinking that Annis would smack his head if she saw him now.

* * *

 

Merlin woke up to the sounds of a mess being made in his kitchen. For all Arthur’s faults, none bothered him as much as his boyfriend being a morning person. He walked through the tiny flat, still scratching his eyes, to find Arthur happily turning an omelette on the frying pan as if it were a pancake.

“G’morning” he said, and Arthur turned to him, smiling.

“A very fine morning indeed! There’s something that resembles the sun outside, I toasted some bread, made a cheese omelette and _also_ ” he added, as if it were a special treat “real orange juice from real oranges, unlike that crime you have in your fridge. You still have time for a quick shower and breakfast before you have to take the bus.”

Merlin just groaned, moving back inside. It should be a crime to be so chirpy in the morning. It was the kind of thing that made him sure that he and Arthur could never live together, or he would literally kill him in a week. He just knew that his kitchen would be turned upside down and filled with leftovers of used oranges, broken egg shells and tiny bits of onion and cheese in the sink.

Once upon the time, he had found it surprising that Arthur could cook at all, before discovering that his abilities were limited to incredibly Americanised breakfasts and home cooked pasta – and by home cooked pasta Arthur meant actually making it and leaving the whole place under a fine crust of flour, and it didn’t even _taste_ like pasta. Thankfully, once they were close enough, Merlin had told him that and Arthur stopped trying to cook it – but breakfasts were still his speciality.

He showered as quickly as he could in the scalding hot water and chose his clothes without trusting much on Arthur’s idea of having something like sun outside – it was January, for God’s sake – he actually hoped there wasn’t any, or some of the ice would melt and the accidents on campus would multiply to the point where everyone that had any business working in the University Hospital would end up dealing with them.

As he made it back to the kitchen, he felt considerably more awake and less annoyed with the mess Arthur had made. He sat on the table and looked sadly at the food for a few seconds.

“Wait for the final touch” said Arthur, coming with another plate and a mug, which he set in front of Merlin. He stared at it, amazed.

“I can’t _believe_ you made tea.”

“You like to take it early” said Arthur, shrugging. “Milk and sugar as well.”

“I’m properly scared,” said Merlin, looking at him. “Tea and beans on toast. You must have done something _really_ bad.”

Arthur chuckled at that, and sat himself in front of Merlin.

“As I said, it’s a fine morning, and I’ve been awake for a while. _You_ didn’t have any oranges – I got them from the apartment and came back for breakfast.”

Merlin didn’t have the heart to look guilty about that – he had arrived only yesterday, and it had been quite late so he had gone straight to campus and just bought a few things on his way back.

“You don’t even have to be there until half past ten,” said Merlin, sipping his tea. “I can’t see why you didn’t stay in bed for longer.”

“ _You_ were asleep,” said Arthur, accusingly. “And drooling all over the pillow.”

“I wasn’t drooling!”

“You were.”

“Was not.”

“Were.”

“At least I wasn’t snoring,” said Merlin, throwing a crumb of bread at Arthur.

“I don’t snore!”

“Yes, you do.”

“I do not.”

“You _always_ snored. I _taped it_ , remember?”

“You don’t have time for this” Arthur replied, pointing to the watch. “Your bus will be here in five.”

“Shit” he said, standing up and taking the rest of the tea in one gulp.

“I can’t come over tonight” said Arthur, looking as he gathered his stuff. “We’re taking Owain to a pub as a goodbye from the team. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

Merlin screwed up his face at that.

“I can’t tomorrow – Gwen set up a date for me.”

Arthur laughed at that.

“I hope it’s better than the last one.”

“Jesus, if it manages to be worse, I think I’ll go straight to your building through the front door,” said Merlin, picking his keys and leaning to kiss Arthur.

“Have a good day” he said, straightening his boyfriend’s shirt, and Merlin beamed.

“I spent the night with you; it’ll give me strength if it isn’t.”

“Don’t be such a girl, _Mer_ lin” said Arthur, and Merlin laughed on his way out.

* * *

 

It was nearly lunch time when Merlin finally found the time to do what he had been wanting to do since his talk with Arthur last night. He knocked on the door of the Hospital’s Chief and waited to be told to come in.

As soon as he walked inside, he regretted his decision. Nimueh didn’t seem to be in one of the best moods, and looked at him from under her reading glasses as if wondering why she should entertain a physiotherapy student – honestly, Merlin thought that if she hadn’t studied under Gaius back before he was born, she’d have sent him out immediately.

“Sit” she said, and went back to looking at her papers for a few moments. Merlin fidgeted with his sleeves nervously, wondering why the hell he was even there. Nimueh stopped what she was doing and dropped the pen onto the desk, leaning on her chair and facing Merlin directly.

“To what do I own the pleasure of your visit? Holiday greetings from Gaius?”

Merlin squirmed under her look for a few seconds before finding his voice.

“It’s just… Something I heard about.”

She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Go on?”

“It’s… About Edwin Murdoch.”

She rolled her eyes at that, and waited for him to say more.

“I’ve heard in campus that he went to the Rainbow Table last night and attacked some of their staff?”

Nimueh puffed in anger at that, and then eyed him again.

“I didn’t think you attended such places.”

“I don’t,” he answered hastily. “But you know my friend Gwen? She’s dating this engineering guy, Lance? And he’s responsible for a number of organizations…”

“Not the Rainbow Table, I assume, since he’s dating Smith?” she said, her patience running short.

“ _No_ ” agreed Merlin. “But as he did his beginning of term paperwork with the campus security, he heard them talking about it – it seems they had to take him out and kept an eye on Pendragon for his own safety until he left campus last night.”

Nimueh looked positively delighted for a moment.

“I see. It’s a pity Edwin didn’t seriously damage the Pendragon spawn” she said, matter-of-factly.

“Dr. Lake!” Merlin was utterly shocked.

“Uther deserved it” she spitted, angrily “to have his son at my mercy.”

Merlin chose not to say anything – clearly Nimueh had her share of problems with the Pendragon family, but it was none of his business.

“I just think it reflects badly on us as a whole,” said Merlin, softly. “We’re supposed to help _all_ people, and then one of our Residents decides to attack someone?”

Nimueh eyed him quietly, analysing him. It felt as if she could see through him, but her only answer was a nod.

“I wouldn’t want people to think that we’re taking a hypocrisy oath here instead of a Hippocratic one,” he added.

Nimueh’s face showed exactly what she thought about his pun.

“I’ll talk to him about it” she said, and Merlin knew that if Edwin had disliked him before, he’d hate him now. There wasn’t a single person in the hospital – hell, probably in campus – that didn’t fear Nimueh. Even the Dean seemed to go out of his way to please her.

“Thank you, Dr. Lake.”

Merlin stood up to leave, and had his back to her and his hand on the door when she spoke again.

“I find it endearing that you are worrying about your father’s causes” her voice implied that she didn’t really believe it to be the case. “Just remember, Merlin, that since they aren’t _yours_ , your loyalty is to _us_.”

“Yes, ma’am” he said, looking at her from upon his shoulder.

“You better not spread the rumour in the hospital, unless you want to find yourself in trouble.”

He actually gulped at that, and Nimueh smiled, softly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll deal with Edwin and his terrible behaviour, and make sure it will _never_ happen again. Now, run along. I’m sure you have somewhere else to be that is not in my office talking about things that do not concern you.”

Merlin left quickly, not wanting to spend any more time than necessary in the room. He could see Nimueh looking at him through the glass walls as he left, and swore to himself that he would never – _ever_ – talk about the Rainbow Table again. He’d rather not give Nimueh any reason to wonder about his sexuality more than she already did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It wasn’t a rare occurrence, having to deal with someone from the Rainbow Table society leaving their post. It happened every year, for various reasons – some people would graduate and leave the university, some would have a workload too big to manage the time commitment, and some, as Owain, would have personal problems causing them to leave.

It didn’t really matter if the reason for their departure was a good or bad one – they all followed the same pattern: they would take said person to the pub with them, get utterly pissed, and have a whole heart-to-heart moment before they became too drunk to care and started doing silly things together. Like playing truth or dare or “I have never”, or some other drunken game until they all were too sloshed to even form proper sentences.

If there’s something you can always find around a campus, it’s pubs – a huge variety of them. Still, there was only one where the Rainbow Table staff would meet, the one they ‘owned’, and that was The Rising Sun. It was a bit further from most of other pubs, and it had very diverse clientele, marked by its alternative style and accepting ways - a possible reflection of the amount of Humanities students that hung around.

They had arrived early – ridiculously early, even by student standards, skipping their late afternoon lessons to gather at the pub. Owain had already made quite a spectacle of himself, as he rose and gave a speech on how they were the best people _ever_ and how he would do his best to come back at the end of the term. He had graced Arthur with a pink-paper crown, naming him the King of Gay, before praising each of them in turn. Except for Morgause, who he accused of being the scariest person on campus, which had led Morgana to a fit of giggles, while the woman bared her teeth and produced a whip from her purse.

Arthur had to agree with Owain on Morgause being ridiculously scary; he was scared of her himself! She then had proceeded to lightly spank him to the public’s amusement, saying that he didn’t know how to treat his elders. Owain had only been saved by Ewan’s interruption, claiming that he wanted to try it too, which, of course, led everyone to cheer and tell Owain to admit how he felt before it was too late. They _had_ been dancing around each other for the best part of two years, and it _was_ getting tiresome.

“God, come on, make out already,” said Morgana, teasingly.

“We have been waiting far too long,” agreed Arthur, wholeheartedly.

“You only say that because you two bet on today,” replied, Elena, and the whole thing had become a fight over who had bet on what and how long they had been discussing their love life among them.

“The money is kept safe in a back account,” Morgause announced, finally. “Which also contains a journal of the latest memorable occasions, a spreadsheet with the changes in the bets whenever they happen, and our monthly revenue.”

That was enough to stop the argument between them, as both clearly were divided between feeling outraged and amazed at the investment in their possible relationship.

“Oh, and a Facebook group” she added, putting her glass on the table. “I believe it _is_ my turn to get the drinks”, said Morgause, as if she hadn’t just outed them as complete stalkers with too little of a love life. “President, you can help me,” she said in a tone that left no place for discussion, standing up.

They had just gotten to the bar when Morgause pointedly turned her back on him, and Arthur found himself being stared at by a gorgeous – truly, honestly, completely gorgeous – bloke, that had an empty pint in front of him, clearly waiting for it to be filled. For a second, he felt self-conscious for the first time in years – this guy would have given even Lancelot a run for his money when it came to perfection.

“Hello, princess” he said, his words slurred.

Of course, that such a bloke was bound to be some kind of homophobe.

“It’s king, actually” he said, trying to turn away from the man, but the other just laughed out loud.

“Of course” he said, easily. “Arthur Pendragon, King of all gay.”

He didn’t answer, hoping the man would notice that he was no easy target.

“You do look prettier up close,” the man added, nonchalantly.

Arthur had no idea whatsoever as to how he should answer that, so he kept quiet, waiting for their rather large order to arrive.

“Oh, I see, you don’t _talk_ to peasants, you just _make speeches_ for them.”

Arthur turned back to the man, infuriated.

“What?”

“They are good speeches, I grant you that,” he added, tilting his head and flipping his hair as if he was the star of an L’Oreal commercial.  “Except that they can’t mean anything if you can’t be bothered to talk to your own people.”

“I talk to my people” Arthur shot back, annoyed. “I do _not_ talk to random blokes who call me princess as if liking cock means I am unworthy of being a man.”

That made the man giggle happily, and Arthur scowled at him. Clearly it was harder to resist this fight than it first seemed.

“Touchy, are we?” he asked, “And just a bit misogynistic.”

“I am **not,** ” said Arthur, tensing his shoulders.

“You just said that being called a woman is the same as being called worthless.”

“That is _not_ what I said” Arthur begun, but the guy moved his hand, stopping him.

“Arthur, Arthur. It’s okay. Don’t you know when someone is teasing you?” he said, flashing him smile that would have been charming if he hadn’t been so infuriating.

“Not with your kind, sorry” he said, turning his back, but the man wouldn’t let him go.

“And what is my type?”

Arthur turned back, honestly angry at him.

“Some strongly built straight bloke that comes here to seem cool and raise his stakes with the girls, making them believe he actually can be tolerant when all he’s looking for is a chance to get into their pants more easily.”

“I can get into their pants easily enough without that, thank you.” he said, smiling again. “Whether they are girls or not.”

Arthur just stared at the man, baffled.

“What?”

“I’m Gwaine, by the way” the man said, going for a handshake. “I have seen you around, but clearly you didn’t notice me.”

Arthur still couldn’t believe that this was happening. He turned his back to Gwaine only to find that Morgause had long taken the drinks to their table, and his pint was resting beside him. Morgana gave him an eye that said she had been watching it all, and grinned, while some of the others seemed to be enjoying the spectacle – they thought they were flirting. He still didn’t take Gwaine’s hand, and he dropped it, shrugging.

“No manners, you royals” he said, smiling. “I always thought…”

“What do you want” he said, quickly, tired of this whole conversation.

“You.” the man answered, simply, still smiling.

“What?” Arthur said, once again, even more confused than before.

“You. Naked. Panting. Under me, on top of me, it’s up to you, really, I like it both ways.”

“You can’t be serious” said Arthur, staring.

“Do you want me to show you how serious I am?” said Gwaine, moving closer.

“NO!” said Arthur, stepping away, and a few people turned to look at them.

Gwaine merely looked amused.

“Well, that’s a first” he said, finally, picking up his pint once more. “You have to work on your ‘I don’t really fancy you’ lines, you know? If I were someone else, you might have broken their heart forever.”

Arthur didn’t reply to that – he couldn’t even think about how he should answer it. He honestly hadn’t seen this one coming, and he was still thinking this was something of an elaborate prank that the guy was pulling.

“I might worry about that when they aren’t trying to make me look ridiculous” he said, finally.

Gwaine laughed at that, and pulled his bag towards Arthur. It took him a while to see why – it carried a Rainbow Table pin.

“I signed up when I came here,” offered Gwaine, easily. “In September.”

“Oh” was all that Arthur could say, flushing. “I’m sorry. It’s… Too many people.”

Gwaine didn’t seem to mind, though.

“So, even if you don’t want me to get _on top of you_ ” he said, teasingly “you could still, you know, take me to your table, introduce me to your people. I am new here,” added Gwaine, hitting him lightly with his shoulder, “and I haven’t been properly introduced to anyone.”

Arthur couldn’t deny him that – actually, he was too ashamed to even think about what it would look like, but, then again, he was sure that Gwaine would make it clear that there was nothing going on between them soon enough. He seemed like the kind of guy that would soon be flirting with the whole table.

“Come on, then” he said, and they walked three steps towards the group before he stopped. “No, wait. I can see that you are a bit of a player. Elena is going through some stuff right now and if… If… I will kill you if you harm her,” he said, protectively.

Gwaine merely looked back at the table.

“What about Morgause? Is she fair game?” he asked, tilting his head.

“Yeah, good luck with that,” muttered Arthur under his breath.

It was surely going to be entertaining.

* * *

 

Arthur was happy to leave early on Thursday. He hardly ever went two days in a row without seeing Merlin, and something inside him ached to be with him again. He knew he shouldn’t leave the rest of the staff by themselves, dealing with all the things involved in calling a new election, but they were more than capable of doing it by themselves and had reassured him that he just needed to rest.

He felt like he would lose his mind if he didn’t get near his boyfriend soon. One of their main occupations was talking about their mates, although the two groups never met. He just _needed_ to be around someone that hadn’t been swept off their feet by Gwaine – other than Morgause, that is, for there was nothing comforting about how she acted about this or about anything really.

 He didn’t even drop by his apartment, going straight to Merlin’s and climbing through by the window. It was open, again.

“You never change, do you, _Mer_ lin?” he said, as he walked in, and he heard the man giggle.

“And yet, you love me” he announced, coming from the kitchen.

Arthur just grinned at that, drinking in the sight of Merlin, his long thin limbs, his blue eyes and his oversized purple shirt.

“Yes” he answered, walking towards him. It was easy to forget everything else when they were together. Merlin ran his hands through Arthur’s neck and kissed him deeply, biting his lower lip.

“Eager?” asked Arthur, teasing.

“I missed you” said Merlin, simply, holding him closer.

“Does that mean your date was another disaster?” he asked against Merlin’s hair.

“No, it means I missed _you”_ His boyfriend let go of him, taking a step away. “I made pasta.”

Arthur groaned. He was hungry. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that Merlin had already set the table for them, and picked up some wine.

“Oh, all grown up, are we?” he said, sitting down.

Merlin merely grinned at him, pleased to have him around.

They spent the first minutes just eating their dinner – which was very good. Merlin had a practical approach to cooking, with none of the passion that made Arthur want to venture into the kitchen, but it worked just as well. When the first of their hunger had been dealt with, they finally started talking.

“So, how was your date” asked Arthur, and was surprised by Merlin’s reaction. His face went soft at the edges, clearly fond of something.

“It was… rather good, actually” he said, tilting his head to the side at the same time he raised the shoulder underneath it. “She was nice.”

“Not a psycho?” pressed Arthur, somewhat bothered.

“God, no!” Merlin answered, quickly. Too quickly. “She was a dear.”

Arthur didn’t say anything after that, feeling somewhat wounded. Although they agreed on the necessity of keeping up appearances, although Merlin had gone to plenty of dates before, he had never said anything _nice_ about them. It was refreshing, really, to know that although your boyfriend might be bisexual, he didn’t seem to care for anyone else, even if he expected him to. This new reaction made Arthur feel somewhat unsure, as if something was fundamentally wrong with the whole situation.

“We’re meeting again on Sunday” volunteered Merlin, after a few seconds.

“Another date?” asked Arthur, his eyebrow raised.

Merlin actually stopped eating to look at him, his eyes warm and caring.

“No need to get jealous” he said, and Arthur wanted to say something about how he wasn’t jealous at all, that they had agreed that Merlin could do it as much as he wanted or needed, but Merlin kept on talking. “It’s not a _date_ date, it’s just a meeting.”

“Care to explain the difference to me?” Arthur said his voice strained.

Merlin looked wounded for a bit, before sighing.

“She’s taking me to a yoga class” he said, then, before picking up more food.

“Yoga?” Arthur question was honestly confused. Merlin nodded at that, and he went on. “Why on earth would she take to you do yoga?”

Merlin swallowed before speaking again.

“Her post-grad thesis in on how yoga can help with patient’s rehabilitation after severe trauma” explained Merlin, and, then, something inside him broke and he started to babble in excitement. “It’s brilliant, really. She’s trying to evaluate how yoga can be used to improve the development of patients during physiotherapy, and how it’s the best way to stimulate patients in need of GPR or to keep those who have already ended their treatment from falling back into old habits.”

Arthur could just look at his boyfriend as he spoke, trying not to feel jealous. None of it seemed even slightly romantic.

“It seems you really liked her?”

Merlin grinned at him, either oblivious or infuriatingly unconcerned.

“I did. Freya is a good girl – she didn’t expect me to pay for her bill, she didn’t try to flirt with me or hold my hand, and she seemed rather relieved that I just smiled at her as a goodbye instead of the traditional kiss.”

Arthur looked at his boyfriend, torn between being annoyed and relieved as well.

“As far as romantic dates do, it would seem a disaster – I don’t think there’s anything there” he added, and then smiled again. “But I think we might become good platonic friends.”

 Arthur forced himself to smile – it was silly to think that Merlin would never enjoy _anyone’s_ company because of Arthur; but it had been a long while since he had last made friends. Will and Gwen had showed up right as they began their second year; and most of his other mates weren’t really close and had been met during classes and hospital work, not in a supposedly romantic setting. For the first time in years, he understood how hard it must be for Merlin to see him deal with so many people that might possibly be attracted to him, either by his looks or for his position as president of the LGBT society of Albion.

After considering that, it was easy to smile honestly and reach for Merlin’s hand, patting it lightly.

“I’m glad you found a friend,” he said, easily.

“Just friends, you silly” Merlin added, taking a sip of his wine. “You silly, silly, silly man.”

There was a grin on Merlin’s face – a huge smile, one of those that Arthur always believed could light the whole city up, if only he could attach Merlin to the power grid. A few moments later, he was half-standing, half-leaning towards Arthur, giving him a deliciously sloppy kiss. It was only natural that it would make Arthur cup his nape, bringing him closer, especially after Merlin moaned into the kiss, deepening it.

It was easy to forget about the rest of the bottle of wine, to leave the dishes on the table, and concentrate on each other, reaching for Merlin’s well known body, pulling him closer. It was even easy to sit him on his lap, his long legs curling around Arthur’s hips as he moved lazily, looking up and allowing his neck to be fully taken by Arthur’s kisses.

It wasn’t quite so easy to try and stand up while holding Merlin – they were too close in size, and Merlin was actually a bit taller, so his left knee hit one of the cupboards in the narrow way out of the kitchen, causing him to drop his legs and reach for the floor while complaining. It didn’t really matter – because Arthur was holding him from behind, lips slowly exploring Merlin’s nape, his hands under Merlin’s shirt, on the sides of his body.

Merlin turned around to capture his lips, kissing eagerly, holding Arthur’s arms, and he made just a little noise when Arthur bumped against his injured knee. That was what made Arthur let go of him, smiling.

“I will kiss it better” he said, his voice hoarse with want. He wasted no time in opening Merlin’s jeans, pulling them down, and he heard the sharp intake of breath when he kneeled in front of his boyfriend. It was clear what he expected, but Arthur wasn’t one to fulfil expectations, so he ignored the bulge inside the boxers and planted his lips on Merlin’s narrow thigh, moving down until he reached the knee.

“So unfair” Merlin whispered, in the midst of his quickening breathing.

“Is it?” Arthur asked, moving to the other side and coming up, his forehead rubbing against Merlin’s erection, still tight under the pants. He could hear every minimal change in his breath, and he slowly pulled the boxers off him, getting ready for the task at hand.

But it seemed that Merlin had his own ideas, quickly moving him away, leaning himself over Arthur and pinning him to the floor with his body. Soon enough, Merlin was the one stripping his clothes, opening his jeans, kissing his body as if he could never get enough.

And, in that moment, Arthur honestly hoped he couldn’t.

* * *

 

Friday was the one day in the week Arthur arrived home from campus earlier than Merlin. He had no activities after his 3 pm class, so he generally used the spare time to visit the supermarket, tidy up his apartment – and Merlin’s, if he was bored – and deal with any extra work that he might have accumulated during the week.

Merlin was hardly ever home before seven, for it was his shift on the children’s recovery ward in the hospital. He would overstay his working hours just to deal with them – to talk to each child and make sure they knew he was around even if it wasn’t attending on them today. He would have made an incredible paediatrician, had he wanted to. He was good with kids, Merlin, and Arthur had more than once crept around the hospital just to watch him. It was one of the most endearing characteristics of Merlin.

Once he found himself in a bit of a quandary when he bumped into Morgause on his way out of the children’s ward. She had looked surprised and then suspicious, and Arthur was sure he was going to put his foot on his mouth before he started blurting out things about Owain and Ewan that seemed to distract her enough. Arthur wasn’t the biggest gossiper in the world, but, back then, they had just started taking the notes on the situation and setting the first bets, so it didn’t seem completely insane and out of character – just a little bit.

For some reason, this Friday, he felt way too tired to even consider dinner. He had worked hard all week and had nothing he still needed to revise. Although he had spent little time in his apartment, his clothes were still in a messy heap from Tuesday, but apart from that, there was very little to do – in less than an hour, he was done tidying, had showered and allowed himself to sit on the sofa, staring idly at the television while nothing actually captured his attention.

He didn’t even notice he’d fallen asleep until he heard a knock on the door, a weird, insistent knock. Arthur stood up, a bit confused, because he wasn’t expecting anyone. He noticed it was darker now, night creeping into the room, and hoped whomever it was wouldn’t want to stay long, for he’d better head to Merlin’s soon.

Except that it was his boyfriend who stood on the other side of the door, with a lopsided smile. Arthur knew he must have a stupid expression on, but he couldn’t help it – Merlin _never_ came around, it was too risky. They _had_ to meet in Merlin’s apartment, because no one would think about showing up or anything. His apartment wasn’t safe – not for Merlin.  Someone from the Rainbow Table might show up, or some crazy maniac might be lurking around. It just felt _wrong_.

“Why are you here?” he asked, confused.

“Do I need a reason now?” Merlin asked, tilting his head. “Aren’t you going to let me in?”

Arthur moved, allowing the other man to step inside the dark apartment. Although it was a rare occurrence, Merlin clearly remembered how to turn on the lights, making them soft not to bother a still sleepy Arthur. He also took off his shoes and socks, standing barefooted on the living room.

“I was tired of my flat” Merlin said, shrugging. “So I came around.”

“It’s too risky” complained Arthur, concerned, but Merlin scoffed.

“Your windows are too dark for someone to even manage to discern how many people are inside – you made sure no one could even tell if the light was on or off. Your next-door neighbour hasn’t come around since _summer_ , and _this_ was why you chose the apartment. Your doorman probably didn’t even see me in the cameras, and if he did, I’m sure he’s going to forget about it soon enough – he always does.” He held Arthur by his shoulder, comfortably. “It is going to be _fine_. It’s not as if I had walked through the street and demanded to see you naked downstairs. _No one saw me_ , I promise.”

Arthur agreed, letting his guard down. It was a dangerous game they played, and that was certainly truer for Merlin than for Arthur. No one – and surely not Uther – would be bothered if he had a boyfriend. Honestly, his father might even be thrilled about the prospect, since he worried that Arthur would party too much, sleep around and end up sick or something – although the eighties were so long past that they didn’t even feature in flashbacks anymore, it was all about the nineties now. But Hunith… There was no telling how she would react, and she certainly couldn’t deal with the strain when her health was slowly falling apart. Maybe this was the reason Merlin had been careless lately – he had said nothing, but Arthur had noticed some new lines on his forehead and his voice became hard and annoyed when he stopped paying attention.

Merlin had already let go of him and was walking to the kitchen, trying to find something to eat. Arthur followed him as he opened up the fridge.

“You are not cooking, you cooked yesterday” complained Arthur, using the counter as a support. “It’s my turn now.”

Merlin snorted, closing the fridge.

“ _You don’t cook_ , Arthur.” he said, opening up the top drawer. “So, Thai? Chinese? Pizza?”

Arthur just smiled.

“And a movie” added Merlin, looking at the menus. “Something stupid and funny, yeah? Maybe explosions, I dunno.”

“Okay. Pizza and movies sounds good.” was his only answer.

* * *

 

Saturday morning found Arthur at the Rainbow Table quarters – three small rooms, and a slightly larger lounge – with Ewan, Morgause, Daegal and Owain, preparing the nominations for the election. Most people had already been informed about it either online or as they met on campus. This would be Owain’s last day – and it would be kind of sad if there wasn’t so much to do. They had announced that they’d allow people to nominate themselves from eleven ‘til three, but, of course, at a quarter to eleven, they still needed to print the nomination forms (the printer had broken again, it was ridiculous how often it happened); and there were already people waiting outside.

Most of them didn’t even want to run for rep, they used it mostly as an opportunity to socialise among their mates and check up on how things were going. Arthur actually liked elections, whether he was competing or not – he liked to see his people gather around, the debates on what should be done, the speeches from the candidates – all of it. It was tiring, yes, but it was one of the actions that made them feel like they were actually making a difference.

Morgana, of course, was inside the very minute they opened the door. She, always thoughtful, had brought them lots of coffee. Elena came fast behind, as did Ranulf, who, of course, seemed to be gloating about how they should have voted for him the first time around, instead of electing Owain. Arthur really didn’t like the guy, who basically summed up everything that was wrong with the gay movement. He was one of those people who actually felt blessed and special for not being straight, and despised any man that had eyes for women.

After a while, Leon came by to keep him company. Despite not being even slightly attracted to men, he was around as much as he could be, as a token of his support for Arthur. He had been the first person Arthur talked about his doubts on his sexuality, all those years ago, and Leon hadn’t been scared or bothered as most boys would have been. He actually gave Arthur sound advice – Leon always did – and stood by him every step of the way. They had known each other since freaking elementary school, and Arthur wasn’t ashamed to say that he had been in love with Leon for more than a few years.

It didn’t take many people to make the place feel crowded. It was nice, having everyone around, or it would be nice if Ranulf wasn’t criticising Owain in loud tones about choosing his family over ‘his true kind’, as he called it. It took many warning looks from Leon and nudges from Elena for Arthur not to stand up and physically throw the guy out. Owain didn’t seem to be bothered – he had made his peace with his decision, but it still annoyed the hell out of Arthur.

The most amazing part was that not even Morgause had said a single word about it. She seemed as pissed as Arthur felt, but she stayed sat at the table, rolling her eyes. Arthur couldn’t really understand why she wasn’t saying anything – or Morgana, since both were hot-headed, but as the three o’clock approached, he noticed why.

No one had come around to sign their name to compete with Ranulf. It was clear that he was scaring the competition away, if it was solely through his bragging and teasing today or if he had actually have been doing it for the last couple days, Arthur couldn’t say.

“We can’t have only him,” he said, trying to keep his voice in check, turning to his friends. “I won’t have him here.”

Morgause raised her eyebrow, but said nothing. Morgana looked somewhat torn.

“One of you should apply” he pushed, looking at both girls. “Surely you could get enough votes.”

Morgana smiled sadly at him.

“I’ll graduate by the end of the term – and he will do it again” she reminded him. “But Elena…”

“Not me” said the girl, shaking her head. “I can’t do it.”

“Of course you can” Morgana started, and Elena snapped, a very rare occurrence.

“I _can’t_ do it, Morgana, not now.”

“But Arthur is right” added Leon, seriously. “This guy is not a good figurehead. If no one steps up…” he sighed, tired. “I would sign myself up, if I could,” he said, shaking his head. “Ranulf would mess everything up.”

“I think we should make more weekend trips” Ranulf’s voice was raising. “We used to have many more in the _previous presidency_.” He flashed a smile at Arthur, who actually gripped the pen in his hand as if it was a dagger. “And try to convince the people in The Rising Sun to admit they are a gay pub. You know, we need our own space!”

“A seclusion space?” questioned Morgana, finally losing her control.

Ranulf scoffed at her.

“Of course _you_ wouldn’t understand,” he said, with a mean smile, “but _our people_ need…”

“To be locked up in secure spaces?” asked a new voice, from behind the man.

People parted, and Arthur didn’t know if he should be exasperated or glad to find Gwaine smiling falsely at Ranulf.

“Privacy” the other man ended, raising his chin.

“Oh, I see” said Gwaine, walked nearer them with a swagger. “You are one of those types who think we shouldn’t have to deal with _heterosexuality_ during our drinks? And why is that? Scared that it will turn you on?”

The man snorted before replying.

“Not in a million years.”

Gwaine smiled at him.

“I don’t really like you, you know?” he said, candidly.  Arthur stood up – he might have only known Gwaine for a couple days, but it was easy to see that he was hot-headed and not above physical confrontation.

Ranulf’s reaction was raising his eyebrow in disgust.

“I don’t need the approval from the likes of you…” he waited the other man to supply him with his name.

“Gwaine” he said, still smiling. “And I think you’re wrong, my friend.”

“You are _not_ my friend,” stressed Ranulf, and Gwaine smiled.

“Of course not” Gwaine turned towards the table, spotting Arthur standing up. “No need to worry, princess” he said, tightly, walking up to them. “I will be your knight in shining whatever.”

Arthur couldn’t avoid rolling his eyes at that, and Gwaine smiled, picking up a nomination form.

“This is ridiculous,” said Ranulf. “You’ve just arrived here, you’ve never even volunteered to…”

“Are you worried?” asked Gwaine, still writing his information down.

Ranulf gave a stiff laugh.

“Not in the slightest” he said, crossing his arms against his chest.

Gwaine finished quickly, signing his name and handing it over to Morgause with a wink – to which she actually answered with a smile.

“May the best man win” said Gwaine, smiling, and Ranulf stomped out of the room as people began murmuring about what had just happened.

“Feel free to choose the way you’d like to thank me best” he said, smiling to Arthur once again.

“For pissing off my future Masters rep?” asked Arthur, bitterly. “I can’t see how that deserves some kind of thanks.”

Gwaine was still smiling.

“Oh, you don’t think I can make it? Your lack of faith is disturbing”

Arthur shook his head, torn between screaming in despair and forcing Morgana or Elena to sign up in the last five minutes.

“Ranulf is right. You are _new_ , you never worked with us before, people don’t _know you_.”

“They will.” was his confident retort.

“Maybe. And even if they do, I’m honestly not sure that this is a good thing – honestly, between you and him…” Arthur shook his head. “Ranulf is many things, but he’s also deeply committed. He has been around since his first day. He believes he’s good _for a reason_.”

“So do I.”

“You flirt with anything that moves” was Arthur’s first come back, pushing his hair up. “You drink eight days a week, and you are never on time.”

“You barely know me” Gwaine said, angrily.

“I saw your student file” Arthur said, simply. “I knew you were somewhat familiar, so I looked it up. We were in the same building in our first year.”

Gwaine looked at him for a second before nodding.

“And you were always telling stories of your nights out or _going for your night out_ and _coming back days later_ ” Arthur added, tensely.

“You _remember_ ” Gwaine said, baring his teeth. “I’m _flattered_ , Arthur.”

Arthur didn’t remember Gwaine, not really – but as the subject came up, Merlin had asked if he was sure it wasn’t the same Gwaine with whom he had shared a room back when they met. That had led to a number of truly scary stories, which had led Arthur to look for his student file – and finding out that Gwaine didn’t seem to have changed much, despite having dropped out for two whole years, moving back to Dublin to work as a _barman_. It was not the kind of person that inspired Arthur’s trust – or anyone’s trust, if the person was in their right mind.

The fact that he _knew_ Merlin, and that they had _shared a bedroom_ also didn’t sit very well with Arthur. Merlin had laughed when Arthur had told about their meeting at the pub and called it _typical Gwaine_ , which led Arthur to many speculations of how well Merlin knew about Gwaine’s sexuality and if he had any idea of Merlin’s.

Which, of course, had led to an argument about how Arthur thought Merlin was ready to shag anything that smiled at him, and that _no_ , Gwaine had _no idea_ , and that he didn’t even seen much of Gwaine since they moved out of their halls. 

Arthur didn’t even like the idea of Merlin looking at Gwaine _at all_ , and even if he believed Merlin, his mind wouldn’t stop giving him images of the two of them together, Merlin’s thin limbs spread in the bed, sleeping comfortably while Gwaine came out of the shower naked.

“I think you will be brilliant” said Morgana, cutting Arthur’s line of thought.

“Thank you” said Gwaine, kissing her hand. “I hope I can count on your support.”

Seeing his half-sister smile at Gwaine as if he was the best thing that had happened to her lately made Arthur feel even sicker to the stomach.

This election was going to be a disaster.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

January turned into February in a blur. Merlin felt like the holidays were ages ago – his routine seemed to become more and more cluttered as he joined Freya in her yoga classes (it was truly amazing, and it was doing wonders for his flexibility, as Arthur never got tired of pointing out). It also didn’t help that Will seemed to be particularly determined to get himself a girlfriend and required Merlin as a wingman, even if Merlin failed spectacularly at this. Maybe this was exactly the reason Will always wanted him around, for it made him look normal and cool.

Arthur was having a handful with the sudden elections, and it left him with very little time to spend with his boyfriend. Often he would only show up when Merlin was already asleep, tired from a whole day of attending classes and working in the hospital. If he were honest, he’d say he saw little of his other friends during those weeks, although Freya stopped by the hospital for a chat and some tips every chance she got. Apart from that, it was Gwen that kept him company these days, and mostly just on the phone while he headed home.

He loved Gwen, he really did, but there were times when he just wanted her to shut up already. She seemed to think that since Merlin and Freya got along, that meant they were ready to get married and have babies. It made him growl and mutter curses under his breath whenever she started talking about it – she actually started planning a double date for Valentines before Merlin told her that no one deserved to go on a double date with Lance, ever, if they wanted to keep their girlfriend, let alone on Valentine’s Day.

Of course, there was nothing going on between him and Freya, but Gwen didn’t seem to understand that very well. Merlin felt that she thought that if she bugged him enough about it, he would end up giving in and moving from friendship to something else. It wasn’t as simple as that – nothing in his life was – and he couldn’t really feel annoyed at her when he knew that she only wanted him to be happy.

Sometimes he wished he could tell Gwen the truth – about himself, and Arthur, and his mum – but he could never bring himself to do it. It would feel wrong if he told her something that he hadn’t told Will about, and there was no way Will could know about his other life.

Because Will, unlike Gwen, wasn’t just his uni mate. No, Will had family back in Ealdor, and he knew too well about Merlin’s father and they all knew Merlin’s mum, and had stuck with her through the first couple years of her life as a single-mother. Merlin and Will had been friends as toddlers, before his parents moved to Cardiff when Will was almost five. They hadn’t seen each other for nearly fifteen years, until they were both already in Albion. Will’s father had gone missing in action in one of the early operations in Afghanistan, and after struggling for a while, his mother had made her way back to Ealdor, and Will had made his way back into Merlin’s life.

It hurt him to keep secrets from his friends, but he had always thought it was for the best. Hunith was sick, and he wanted to keep his peace with her. There was no point in telling her and causing an argument, in being bitter and angry when he knew he had little time left to spend with her. He didn’t want to risk a fight; he didn’t want to even consider the possibility of her dying hating him – or him hating her as she died. Hunith, for all her faults, has raised him single-handedly, and wanted what was best for him. Merlin knew how much she had sacrificed for him to have a good life, how much trouble he had been as a child, and he was thankful. He didn’t resent her for not understanding or accepting alternative sexualities, for they had been a big part of her suffering.

Even as a teenager Merlin had learned to remember that parents are human beings just like their children, filled with faults, and that while they might not always show it the easy way, they actually loved their children above anything. And, of course, accepting one’s sexuality didn’t mean that they wouldn’t try and make your life a living hell – Uther was a prime example of that. He was absolutely fine with Arthur liking blokes; but he was also adamant that Arthur took this, and all parts of his life, with the uttermost seriousness.  He had been the one to push Arthur into having a more prominent role in the Rainbow Table, and always impressed in his son that he should go into Politics for a living, for “a person with your standing can honestly make a difference”.

Now, Merlin was glad that he wasn’t under that kind of pressure from his mother when it came to his professional life. Hunith was pleased that Merlin had wanted to attend university – pleased enough to accept Balinor’s offer to pay it – and only wished him to be happy with his choice of career.

Sometimes he wondered how much of Arthur’s activism was for himself and how much it was to make his father proud. The Pendragons had always been deep into politics, always present in the House of Lords from one generation to the next; and Uther himself had used his son’s sexuality as a way to enhance his own political standing, moving from his Conservative positions to a much more central position that he hoped would help him to grow in the hearts of the public and, one day, become Prime Minister.

One way or the other, the Rainbow Table dominated Arthur’s life, and even more so now that elections were being held. Merlin knew how much Ranulf wanted to become the representative of Masters students while Gwaine had his own personal charm to help him. Arthur wasn’t fond of either men and it made him moody most days, obsessing over the perceived faults of these two men.

The election date was set for February 10th, which had Merlin grateful that he at least would have his boyfriend back to normal by Valentine’s Day. Of course they wouldn’t be spending it together – except for brunch – but it still made Merlin feel happier about the whole thing.  It worried him a bit that Edwin and his friends had been quiet during the last few weeks, but he didn’t raise the subject with Arthur, because he clearly didn’t need another reason to worry.

Traditionally the Round Table held a debate a few days before the election, in which the candidates not only answered questions asked by the rest of the group but also from each other. Sometimes it would resemble a catfight, and Arthur seemed to think this would be the case; but Merlin personally doubted that – Gwaine was too strong for it to last more than a single punch.

Merlin wanted to support Arthur, he really did, but these days he just wished Arthur would shut up about it already, for he didn’t even bother to ask about Merlin’s day anymore. He had gone from being jealous of Freya to completely forgetting she even existed and not noticing Merlin was doing something new except when it showed in the bedroom.

One thing that did thrive during such days was the sex – as if it were the only way Arthur had of finding relief from his over concerned mind. Merlin was as enthusiastic about sex as the next bloke, but sometimes he felt as if their relationship had moved from lovers to fuck buddies – they certainly spent more time chatting over random issues or fucking than actually enjoying each other company in a manner that would be appropriate for a couple.

Then, late at night, Arthur would finally look for him in his sleep, wanting to cuddle and to feel comfortable and safe and Merlin hated himself for even thinking a single bad thing about Arthur, because he was truly lucky to have him.

* * *

 

On the Saturday before the election, Arthur left Merlin’s place early for the debate between his candidates. Merlin had woken up to see him off, but went back to bed as soon as he left. This was the one day of the week where he could allow himself a lie in, and he was eager for it, for the last few days had been hell. Just yesterday he had to tell the parents of a four year old girl that in spite of the work they had been doing for months, it seemed unlikely that she would ever walk again.

It was one of those moments where you felt like your whole life was pointless. The look on their faces as he told them that both the physiotherapy team, the orthopaedic team and the neurological team had evaluated her progress as good, but still unlikely to improve enough for her to be able to walk on her own had crushed his heart. He had spent six months with Sylvia, and she was always perky, adorable, and had loved ballet classes before the accident that had caused enormous damage to her young legs. She would always wear a tutu for their sessions, and dreamed of the day she would be allowed back into lessons.

They had managed to save her legs, in spite of the bad shape she had been when she first arrived at the hospital. It had taken hours of surgery, and a whole team working on her to save her, but now it had become clear that the amount of nerve damage would compromise her mobility forever. She might, one day, be able to move around with the help of canes, but her small feet would never again be able to sustain her weight or have the flexibility needed for taking a full step.

Merlin had been on the case from the get-go, six months ago. He had stuck with Sylvia through good days and bad days, through the first recovery and the pain and after, through her first movements as they tried to access how much mobility she would be able to regain. They had all been optimistic, for children are often resilient and capable of recovering from injuries that adults never would, but all their hopes had been crushed by her latest exams.

As Sylvia had bonded deeply with him, he had been included in the conversation with the parents – although these kind of things were generally handled by his superiors alone, but they had asked him to be with them as they told her parents the news. She was a fighter, and although she did cry, she had also told her parents not to be upset because she would invent a new form of ballet that allowed people to dance while using their bodies as they could, either with canes, wheelchairs or other things. Merlin felt ashamed of how much he wanted to cry in face of her bravery.

In the end, he had managed to wait until he was safely inside his flat before he broke down into bitter tears. By the time Arthur arrived, he had cried himself to sleep, and woke to dine with his boyfriend with a killer headache. He had been poor company, and grumbled instead of answering, not focusing on the conversation, and in the end, Arthur had given up and took him back to bed, and stroked his hair until Merlin was asleep again.

So, as Saturday morning rolled in, he didn’t really feel like getting up. His bed was a comfortable place, in which terrible things didn’t happen and he didn’t need to face the cruel world in which he lived. Even after he woke up again, near midday, he didn’t get up, but stayed under the warm and comfortable quilt his mother had made him last year. It felt cosy and home-like, and he had experience enough to know that after particularly bad experiences nesting was a good thing to do.

He refused to get out of bed until his bladder forced him to go to the bathroom. Then he used all his strength to pick up a box of chocolate cereal and his old battered copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone to keep him company, as it had done so many times before.

Reading the lines he knew by heart gave him a feeling of relaxation that few other things could. As he allowed himself to sink into the normalcy of the Dursleys’ life and the familiar magic surrounding Harry, he forgot completely about his own problems and became one with the character.

When he heard a knock on the window, Merlin was sure that he would find an owl carrying his own copy of the Daily Prophet (from July, 31st of 1991, at that), but it was Arthur. Seeing his face was like waking up from a dream, and he tried to adjust himself to reality after having been lost inside the book for hours.

“Hey” Merlin said, softly, and his voice sounded weird to his own ears after such a long time without speaking.

“You were still asleep?” asked Arthur, bemused, as he got inside.

Merlin shook his head, moving back to the bedroom, and gestured towards the book before sitting on the bed.

“Bad week?” inquired the man, with a smile. Merlin could feel the bubble of excitement in which he was, and just shrugged.

“How was it?” Merlin asked, dutifully, knowing that Arthur was dying to talk about it.

Arthur smiled at him, his hands on his hips, and announced:

“I think I might have been wrong about Gwaine.”

Merlin couldn’t help but laughing in disbelief.

“You? Admitting you were wrong? Now I _am_ curious.”

That, of course, led to Arthur cuffing him round the head before continuing.

“The speech he gave? It was amazing. Inspiring. Honest. I can’t see how I didn’t see those things before, really, I hope he wins, because he is _exactly_ what he need to become everything I always dreamed we could be.”

“A drag concert?” said Merlin, teasing.

“A true space in which all sexual orientations are accepted” corrected Arthur, his smile as open as it could possibly be. It was impossible not to smile back at his joy.

“I am sure he _will_ win”, he offered, easily. “Ranulf isn’t the kind of guy that inspires anyone to anything, and if Gwaine’s speech was as good as you say…”

Arthur frowned and then pouted, which really shouldn’t be as ridiculously attractive as it was.

“Yes, but… Well, everyone knows Ranulf, of course, and Gwaine… I did say it was brilliant, but I didn’t say it was something easy to take him. Most people… Well, I think he might have offended some people.”

“What do you mean?”

“He called on us for not truly understanding or accepting bisexuality” said Arthur, with a frown. “I mean… he says we tolerate them, but do not make them feel like they belong in the group.”

Merlin hummed in agreement. Even if there were many bisexuals and general queer people around, from what Arthur said, they were never the focus of the group. He could picture Gwaine talking to them – harsh and charming at the same time, as he would always be.

“You think he is right?” asked Arthur, staring at him.

“I can see why he thinks so” said Merlin, trying to compromise.

Arthur nodded, and sat on the bed, speaking animatedly again.

“It’s like… Most people, they just don’t get it. They want to tie someone’s sexuality – they are completely binary, that is. In that, most gays aren’t different from straight people. They can’t see shades, and they can’t understand that it just flows, you know? A person has to be completely free to experiment, to try and find out what he or she wants. It’s not just about sexuality either, people are completely slaved by their ideas of commitment, betrayal, jealousy… People aren’t things, we can’t have them or mould them the way you want. They have to be free to be themselves, you know?”

Merlin just nodded, knowing that Arthur wasn’t even paying much attention, but talking loudly to himself. Personally, he agreed with Gwaine – even Arthur didn’t really get it, he was as blind as people he was criticising, believing that if one liked both men and women the person **needed** to bow to ‘free love’ ideas wasn’t all that different, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything to Arthur. He loved him far too much to crush him like that when he was so excited; it would inevitably lead to a long argument and neither of them needed that just now.

“Like you” the man said, pulling Merlin close. “I love that you didn’t change because of me, you know?” Arthur gave a playful bite to Merlin’s flat belly. “You’re still you, and your sexuality is still the same. You still enjoy girls and fancy them sometimes, yeah? It didn’t magically change because of me!”

That was the kind of conversation that always made Merlin’s heart clench. Yes, he still found some girls attractive, but he didn’t have _flings_ or anything else. Honestly, he avoided those as much as he could, he avoided even thinking about it, because when it was right down to it, the only person he wanted that near was Arthur – Arthur, it was all about Arthur, his world revolved around it, his most precious secret, the one thing he had done for himself and not for anyone else. It was Arthur he loved, Arthur he lusted for, for Arthur that he yearned and whom he wanted to see at the end of the day, even with all his annoying habits and crazy ideas.

And _this_ was the reason that when Arthur spoke that way, he felt himself being pushed into finding himself a girl to snog, so he could justify Arthur’s ideas and ground their relationship the exact way Arthur wanted it to be. He would do _anything_ for Arthur if he asked. Merlin knew that if his boyfriend had ever voiced the idea that he should screw his wariness and tell his mother everything, he would have, easily, because there was nothing he wanted more than to be seen by him as worthy.

“No” he agreed, finally.

“I think it is wonderful,” said Arthur, honestly. “I’m so proud of you.”

And even though they had been together for years, Arthur had never said anything so powerful before. Merlin could feel his whole body vibrating with the emotions it woke inside him, strangling the pain he had felt before, as the world revolved around those five words. He had heard many times before that he was beautiful, or that Arthur loved when he did this or that, and even that Arthur loved him as he was – flaws and everything – but never anything that matched the complete acceptance and praise as Arthur’s last sentence.

He couldn’t have answered, even if he wanted to, for his throat had grown tight from all he felt, so, instead, he kneeled, took Arthur’s face into his hands, and kiss him fully in the lips, putting everything in the kiss and hoping it was enough as he gave everything he was, everything he had ever been and everything he would ever come to be and handed it all over to Arthur in that single gesture.

It had to be enough.

* * *

 

On the night of the voting day, Merlin found himself invited to go to the pub. It was a huge relief – Arthur would be out, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to keep sending Merlin tons of texts about the proceedings, or that Merlin himself didn’t worry about the result, as it was almost impossible for him not to care for something that Arthur clearly cared so deeply about.

Freya was actually the first one to text him about it, and he was surprised when she asked him to join them in the Hog’s Head instead of the Isle of the Blessed, where they usually met and where the whole of the biomedicine students seemed to meet. It was soon followed by texts from Gwen and Will, ordering him to get his ass to the pub, which explained a bit – Will had been actually forbidden by a court to be anywhere he could end up meeting Edwin.

The atmosphere in the place was brimming with laughter and merriment as Merlin walked inside. It took him just a few seconds to spot Gwen, shaking her arm to signal where they were sitting. There was a big smile on her face as she hugged him ‘hello’.

“Where’s Lancelot?” he asked, noticing that her boyfriend wasn’t around.

“You haven’t seen me in ten days and the first words out of your mouth are ‘where’s Lancelot’?” she chided him, and Will laughed out loud as she smacked his arm. “Shame on you, Merlin Emrys!”

“I’m sorry!” he said, shrugging. “It’s hard to see you guys apart these days.”

That didn’t seem to help, as Gwen’s eyes got huge, as if she somehow felt that he was accusing her of… something that he probably couldn’t really understand.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” he added, rubbing the place where she had hit him, and she smiled apologetically at him. “It’s just… I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Lancelot is at home, studying, but he sent a proxy.” said Will, moving on the booth in order to give Merlin space to sit. “I don’t think he knew what a temptation that would be to Gwen since I don’t think he meant it as a proxy for anything other than chatting and paying for drinks.”

“Stop it!” hissed Gwen, but her cheeks where clearly burning, and so Will soon started to laugh out loud. Freya, who was sitting beside her, was soon giggling too.

“There’s no harm in looking” she said, softly. “And he makes quite an impression.”

Will elbowed Merlin, still grinning.

“Maybe you should ask Percy to be your proxy next time you guys go out on a date.”

Merlin smiled, for he knew he was meant to, and Freya burst into a whole hushed explanation that she didn’t mean it that way at all, but he could hardly pay attention, for all he could think about was Arthur’s voice saying how proud that he was that Merlin kept on going out with woman. He covered her hand with his lightly, trying to stop her from justifying things she didn’t need to explain to Merlin.

“It’s ok,” he said, smiling at her. “Don’t mind Will, he’s an idiot.”

From the look on Gwen’s face, he must have sent a completely wrong impression – she was nodding appreciatively while Freya had turned the exact shade of a fresh tomato. He pulled his hand back to his side of the table, just as someone brought a round of pints. Merlin looked up to meet the most impossibly fit man he had ever seen, with kind eyes and an open smile.

“Merlin, this is Percy,” said Gwen, as the guy sat down.

“Oh, you’re Merlin. They’ve been talking about you nonstop” he said, shaking Merlin’s hand. It was exactly the kind of guy Lancelot would be friends with, but he had never heard him being mentioned by Lancelot or seen him around.

“So, you’re friends with Lancelot” he said, and the man nodded.

“He’s on the study group,” offered Gwen. “The one I told you about, Lance is organizing it for people who are having problems with their subjects…”

“So, you’re an engineer?” asked Merlin, not wanting to point out to Gwen that she _hadn’t_ told him about it, or Lance for that matter.

“God, no!” was the answer, and it surprised Merlin a bit, which must have shown for soon Percy was laughing at his expression. “I am a PE teacher.” He said, and Merlin nodded – he could totally see it. “Well, I’m taking a sabbatical year to do my Master’s Degree, but, you get it” he said, shrugging.

“So why are you doing remedial studies with engineers?” he asked, puzzled.

“You see, people often think PE teachers are dumb, and we really aren’t. I mean, that we don’t care about culture or academics. That’s just because they have never bothered to understand the sorts of things we have to cover, especially at postgraduate level. I’m terrible at maths, and I have tons of statistics to deal with now, so I figured I needed some help and Lancelot was kind enough to let me in.” Percy’s grin was bright and animated. “He wasn’t teaching me himself, at first, but I hope that after tonight he will do.”

“Why is that?” asked Gwen, a bit confused.

“Well, I said I was just staying for a couple rounds – the thing is, I have a date.”

Will made a congratulatory noise, and Freya glanced back at Merlin, but he kept on looking at Percy.

“What does that have to do with who your tutor is?” he asked, a suspicion rising in the back of his mind.

“You see, this girl, she used to be my tutor” he said, smiling. “But I really hope this date thing will go well and I don’t think Lance would agree to her tutoring me _and_ dating me – you know Lance.”

“So, how come you’re not with her yet? It’s nearly eight o’clock!” said Gwen, a bit too curious, but, then again, Gwen wanted everyone to be happy. “Won’t you be late? Won’t she mind?”

Percy made a gesture with his hand as if saying it wasn’t a problem.

“Elena is with her mates from the Rainbow Table, they’re having some kind of voting and she’s helping out.”

“Does she know it’s a date?” asked Will, and Merlin’s insides seemed to be filled with lead. “Because, you know, if she’s in the Rainbow Table… She might be mistaking it with a football match.”

Percy seemed confused for a split of a second before becoming serious and clearly a bit angry.

“Yes, she knows it is a date.”

“Ignore Will” said Gwen, looking at their friend with reprove. “I’m sure it will be lovely.”

“Thanks” groaned Percy, drinking more of his pint. “I better get going. You know, I’ll wait for her there.”

He said his goodbyes and left hurriedly, clearly upset by Will’s comment, and Merlin could totally understand why. Gwen started telling him off as soon as Percy left their table, and Will seemed to be having a problem with understanding what was wrong with what he said since it was meant to be a joke.

Thankfully, Freya was sensible enough to declare it was time for them to do shots and sent Merlin over to the counter to fetch their drinks.

* * *

 

It was a quarter past eleven by the time Gwaine arrived at their table. There was a huge amount of glasses in front of them and Gwen was slurring as she spoke. Freya was chatting much more than usual, while Merlin and Will found everything absolutely hilarious.

“Freya, I won!” he announced, his voice booming. “I fucking won! I can’t believe it!”

“What’ssss this? Random gorrrrgeousss blokes sssshowing up day?” asked Gwen, blinking slowly. It was the first time Gwaine took notice at the rest of them. His eyes sparkled with recognition when he saw Merlin, and he gave Gwen a dazzling smile.

“It’s a shame that I’m not available,” he said, eyeing Gwen, and she giggled.

“I have a boyfriend.” she said, trying to sound sober.

“That makes two of us – for tonight at least!” Gwaine said, gesturing an equally stunning guy by his side. “That’s Alex. I’m taking him out for a drink to celebrate my win.”

“Very nice” said Freya, smiling at Gwaine.

“I didn’t know you two knew each other,” said Merlin, more than a bit confused.

“I don’t even know who the hell he is, mate, so, there you go” said Will, tilting his head. “I don’t even know how many people he _is_.”

Freya laughed and shook her head, before explaining.

“Gwaine is my flatmate,” she said, beaming at them. “He has just been elected as Masters Representative in the Rainbow Table.” She then turned to Gwaine, before adding. “I didn’t know you and Merlin had met.”

“I didn’t know you’re shagging my ex-roomate either and I’m not complaining,” said Gwaine, patting Merlin’s back. “Lucky girl. Or guy. Or both. I’d do either,” he added, smiling at Will.

“I think I’m gonna be sick” said Will, standing up, while Freya and Merlin laughed. Gwaine hadn’t changed at all.

“So, what brings you here?” asked Merlin, still smiling. “I thought you’d be with the rest of the Rainbow Table at that other bar?”

Gwaine shrugged.

“I was, then I met Alex, then I decided it was time to come home. But, you see, we live next door and I knew Freya was here, so I decided to tell her the good news. I’m still not sure how good it actually is, but hey, you know me, I’m not going to pass a chance to celebrate.”

Alex, who had been missing for most of the conversation, came back with drinks not only for himself and Gwaine, but also to the rest of the table. Gwaine, being Gwaine, answered that by grabbing his face and planting a wet kiss on the man’s lips before starting handing the glasses over.

“Let me have this one,” said a new voice, and Lancelot’s pretty face came into view behind Gwaine. “I think you already had enough” he said, looking at Gwen who had the grace to look embarrassed.

“Hey man!” said Gwaine, easily. “Is this your girlfriend? Quite the catch!”

Lancelot eyed him wearily, and Merlin couldn’t control his laughter as Freya gave a meaningful smile before asking.

“Which one? Gwen or Lance?”

“Silly question” he said, easily. “Both are. Although I’m not a fan of people who withhold alcohol from others.”

Lance just shook his head.

“I’m sorry about that, mate” he said, moving closer to help Gwen to stand up as she giggled. “But she called me, and here I am.”

“You’re such a traitor!” complained Merlin. “I didn’t see you call!”

“I texted” answered Gwen, smiling “asking him to come and pick me up.”

“Actually, you texted for me to call and pack you up” said Lance, helping her into her jacket. “But I got what it must mean after a while.”

“Oh god!” she said, blushing and laughing. “I’m so sorry!”

“Not a problem. Gentleman, Freya, we have to go. I hope we’ll meet again soon.”

And with that, he was leaving, guiding Gwen slowly through the crowded tables.

“He’s prince charming, isn’t he?” asked Gwaine, gesturing for them to move over. “No, don’t be silly, sit by his side, I want to get to know Alex better!”

Freya stood up and moved to the other side, sitting beside Merlin and he couldn’t help but smile. This was becoming a terrific night.

“Shouldn’t you worry about your friend?” asked Alex, frowning. “He left a while ago, didn’t he?”

“That one?” asked Gwaine, gesturing to Will, who was walking out of the bar with his hand around a girl’s waist.

“There goes my ride!” complained Merlin, shaking his head. “He’s always doing that! I should have known better. I should have left with Lancelot and Gwen!”

“Relax!” said Gwaine, handing him Will’s shot. “Don’t worry about it.”

“How am I going to get home now?” he complained, but accepted the drink anyway.

“You can stay over.” said Gwaine, with a malicious smile in his face. “That way we won’t bother Freya that much.”

Merlin spitted his drink at that, and everyone around laughed. He knew his face was on fire, but he couldn’t care. Freya patted his back to help him with his breathing, before speaking.

“Not like _that_ ”, she said, shaking her head at her roommate. “But you can stay over, there’s plenty of room.”

“Thanks” he managed, weakly. He was still unsure how he felt about that, but since he was almost sure he had drunk too much to afford a cab, he didn’t have that many options left.

* * *

 

Afterwards, Merlin wouldn’t be able to explain even to himself how things had happened. They had been drunk, yes, but that meant very little. They had arrived safely to the apartment, and Freya had made him a bed on the sofa. She had been nice, and lent him some of Gwaine’s old clothes to sleep, and went to her room promptly.

Merlin had fallen asleep soon enough, but between the noise of Gwaine’s bed and his bladder, he had woken up to use the toilet in a hurry. He was still dizzy from all he had drunk, and decided he needed to get some water.

Freya had been in the kitchen as well, and they had shared a hushed conversation with loads of giggles while Alex called for every god that might have ever existed inside Gwaine’s room. It sounded a lot like a porn movie, with weird and fake sentences that amused them a lot.

Then, suddenly, it wasn’t funny anymore and they weren’t speaking anything – it was all moans and the slap of skin against skin, and something in Freya’s half-amused, half-embarrassed smile had made her kissable in a way she had never been before.

Merlin couldn’t say who started it – if he had, if she had, or if they had met halfway. But, soon enough, his mouth was opening to hers as she bit his lower lip, in a passionate kiss that had none of the adorable shyness of the friend he had made in these last few weeks. She was holding onto his shoulders with hunger, and he was feeling it too, as his hands moved to explore the naked skin of her arms and the soft curves of her shoulder.

If he said he hadn’t thought about Arthur at all in those moments, he would be lying – he thought about him all the time. His eyes shining and his voice saying how proud he was of Merlin, his words reminding him of how much it meant to Arthur that Merlin was still “accepting” his sexuality, all the things he hadn’t wanted to think about but now felt perfectly natural as his lips moved to her neck, as her hand cupped him roughly.

Freya was unlike Arthur in every aspect – the dark hair, the silk quality in her skin, the sweet perfume of her nape, the round breasts under his hands. Yet, this was what Arthur wanted him to want, and he fought against any feelings he might had because this was the right thing to do, what he was _supposed_ to be doing.

He’d never know how they ended up back in the living room, their sleeping clothes lost on the way, or how they had found a condom in the confusion of limbs they were, but he’d always remember how Freya had moved in his lap as the sun rose in the horizon, painting the whole scene in golden colours that didn’t match the odd emotion in the back of his head.

More than anything, he’d never know how they went back to sleep like that, the two of them in the tiny couch and her arm draped possessively around him under the fluffy blanket she had brought him earlier.

He would only know what happened as he woke.

* * *

 

Merlin woke up to the sound of someone banging on the door. He could hear a very familiar voice speaking.

“Come on, open the door.”

It felt hard to open his eyes, especially as the sound wasn’t making his headache feel any better. He tried to move with his eyes closed, only to notice that he was being held close against the side of the sofa.

His mind said it made no sense that he was being held against a sofa while Arthur banged on the door, when everything came back to him at once. He opened his eyes, terrified, but it was too late: Gwaine was already opening the door, naked as the day he was born.

“I told you not to drink…” started Arthur, before seeing Merlin. He stopped midsentence, a guarded look on his face. He looked from Merlin’s naked torso and tousled hair to Gwaine’s pretty much naked body with a raise of his eyebrow.

“It’s eight in the morning” said Gwaine, missing it completely. “What could you possibly want?”

“We’re supposed to be there at nine” reminded Arthur, but his voice was strained and serious. Gwaine noticed that, and looked around for a second before spotting Merlin – and while Arthur couldn’t see it from where he was, Gwaine seemed to be seeing Freya or maybe he had noticed her clothes strewn across the living room floor.

“Got lucky, then?” Gwaine asked Merlin, with a grin.

“I’m naked, can you at least shut the door?” asked Freya, raising her head.

Arthur seemed even more surprised at finding her, but Gwaine lost no time.

“Move in, Princess, Freya’s worried about her modesty. A bit too late, considering her knickers are all over the living room.”

“Oh my god!” she said, sitting immediately and pulling the blanket over her breasts.

“I can’t see why you’re hiding” teased Gwaine, with a smile. “Arthur and Alex won’t care to look and me and Merlin have already seen it all.”

“I hate you” was all that she said, raising from the sofa and going to her room, leaving Merlin not only alone with them, but also stark naked.

“Lucky girl” said Gwaine, eyeing Merlin for a second too long, before throwing the shorts he had been wearing the night before to him. “Don’t you think?” he asked Arthur, and Merlin couldn’t look at his boyfriend, not after what had just happened.

“I don’t know” said Arthur, icily. “Some blokes look good but are complete assholes when it comes to relationships.”

Gwaine frowned for a bit, before shaking his head.

“Not Merlin – he was my roommate back when we’re living in Stonedown. He’s a decent bloke” he smiled at Merlin, appreciatively. “I have a flatmate shagging my ex-roommate, how about that? And I didn’t even introduce them to each other!”

Arthur nodded, clearly not in the mood to chat about Merlin’s activities with Freya, and Gwaine didn’t bother to insist.

“Alright, let me dress, I’ll be ready in a minute, no need to get cranky.”

Gwaine disappeared inside his room, and Merlin had no idea what he should do, how could he react. Arthur looked him up and down as if he was a stranger, and he felt goosebumps on his arms.

“Arthur…” he said, his voice pleading, but the other man shook his head.

“Later.”

It was an order, and Merlin obeyed without questioning.

“You should dress yourself,” said Arthur, after a few moments of awkward silence, “or you’ll catch a cold.”

Merlin hurried to put his clothes back on, but nothing could warm him after the coldness in Arthur’s tone. He felt his heart heavy with guilt, and yet, he would never have done it if it weren’t for Arthur’s endless praises of his “freedom of sexuality” and “liberty to have both”.

He didn’t know what was worse – Arthur’s death glares as he tried to get ready to leave as soon as he could or Freya’s open concern and softness around him. Merlin felt dirty, he felt wrong, he felt silly – but more than anything, he felt that his heart was breaking with each breath he took, and that it would never, ever stop hurting.

He could only hope that Arthur didn’t feel the same.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 

When Arthur arrived at Merlin’s place, he had managed to control the worst of his anger. Actually, if someone asked, he wouldn’t have been able to explain what exactly was making him so angry. Yes, he had been the one to say that Merlin should express his sexuality completely, he had said it again and again, but he had never thought he’d witness it.

It was very different saying he supported something and actually being faced with the consequences of his words. It was one thing knowing that Merlin might do something, and another knowing that he had actually done it.

Also, he didn’t trust Gwaine. He was too bloody good looking and too bloody proud – and too bloody charming and comfortable around Merlin for Arthur to feel comfortable with it.

And this was different. It was ok to think about Merlin picking someone up at a party, or going to a date and never seeing the girl again, but completely different to think about Merlin with with Freya. Freya was his friend – they did stuff together. Hell, she probably was thinking that Merlin was some kind of boyfriend of hers. Surely Merlin must have noticed it.

Even worse; if he were to believe Gwaine, it wasn’t the first time it had happened. Arthur didn’t really care – he didn’t. At least he tried very hard not to care because he knew he shouldn’t – so he didn’t – but the idea that Merlin would do something like that (again and again) and not tell him made him sick to the stomach.

That was the worst part of it all – Merlin never lied, not to him. He lied every day, to everyone, but that was what made Arthur different – that around him, Merlin could be true to himself, completely, he didn’t have to hide anything. He had always thought that Merlin was completely honest with him – now, he wasn’t even sure about that anymore.

One way or the other, now he was ready for it. Like a great general, he had prepared for a battle – even if this was a battle about how broken his heart should be. He considered all the different things that Merlin could say (ranging from “I’m in love with her” to “we were naked but nothing happened, I swear”) and all things that he could say, so he felt he could deal with anything. He was as comfortable as he’d ever be to talk about what had happened that morning.

Still, he was a bit surprised by Merlin’s face when he arrived – he wasn’t defensive or guarded, he wasn’t even pleading or broken, he just looked _tired_ and maybe confused.  He also looked guilty – and Arthur had never seen him guilty before, so, maybe this was different for him too.

He didn’t allow it to soften him or to move him. He just walked inside, not getting closer than he needed to, crossed his arms against his chest, and kept his voice in check.

“Explain.”

“What do you want me to explain?” said Merlin, his voice low.

“You seemed like you wanted to explain something earlier.”

Arthur stared, and Merlin shook his head slowly.

“I don’t know what can I say. I slept with her.”

“So I noticed. In fact, it seems that everybody did.”

Merlin closed his eyes and moved his head.

“We were drunk… Actually, we weren’t drunk… Well, we had been drinking, and Gwaine showed up…”

“Yes. Gwaine.” Arthur completely failed to hide the contempt in his voice. “Always Gwaine. Bloody Gwaine.”

Merlin frowned at that, and tried to start again.

“No, first, Gwen got really, really pissed. So Lance came to pick her up – and I was going home with Will. And then he was like ‘I’d shag all of you’ and Will was like ‘I’m going to be sick’ and we thought he was in the bathroom, but he was chatting some girl up, and then he left with her without even saying goodbye!”

Merlin sounded more than annoyed with his best friend’s behaviour, but Arthur had to agree with Will that, sometimes, Gwaine’s comments were just too much. He wasn’t about to tell Merlin that, though, he wouldn’t get side-tracked.

“So you thought a good way to settle the score with Will was… sleeping with Freya? Or Gwaine? Or both of them at once.”

“No!” said Merlin, shaking his head. “No, no, no, Gwaine was with Alex. And it wasn’t like that at all. Arthur, you know I’d never do something like that to you, I…”

“I don’t know anything” interrupted Arthur, seriously. “I thought this girl was your friend, but clearly, you fancy her.”

“No! I _don’t_ fancy her!”

“I think your _cock_ didn’t get that memo last night.”

“She _is_ my friend.”

“I could see you’re being _very_ friendly.”

“Look, it was a stupid mistake.”

“Yeah, she sure seemed to think so, the way she was all over you this morning.”

“No…” Merlin started, and then he stopped, trying to collect his thoughts. “She cares about me because she’s my friend.”

“Keep telling yourself that” scoffed Arthur.

“Are you jealous, Arthur?” he asked, his head snapping up to look at his boyfriend. “Really, are you? Because you keep pushing me and pushing me, and telling me how much it means to you that I do things, and live fully within my sexuality… Is it a problem with _her_ or is it a problem because it is okay inside your head but not when you see it?”

Arthur didn’t reply, it had hit too close to home. He knew it was a problem with Freya because, well, Merlin _liked_ Freya. Well, not _liked_ liked her, probably not the way he liked _Arthur_ , at least that’s what he had said before, but now he had _slept_ with Freya. He liked her, he liked spending time with her, and doing things with her, that now seemed to include sex. It had been a problem even _before_ they had spent the night together because Arthur could never get away from the feeling that she was just feeling out the terrain and waiting for the right time to make a move.

And it was a problem because he hadn’t liked to see it.

“I was just surprised, that’s all” he said, finally.

“Sure” said Merlin, and he thought it had been ironic, but became less sure as he went on. “I was surprised too. What were you _doing_ there?”

“I was picking up Gwaine. We had stuff to do in the Rainbow Table.”

“Ah. Well, you didn’t even… Call me last night! I had no idea…”

“Why? If you had known it would have been different? Maybe you’d be waiting for me to show up without actually being caught red handed sleeping with your _friend_.”

Merlin took a deep breath.

“Yes, I would have been dressed, and you can hardly blame me considering how you’re acting now.”

“It would have made it easier to hide.”

“I _didn’t_ hide anything” said Merlin, standing up. “I would have told you as soon as I was out!”

“Well, we’ll never know” said Arthur, his voice as cold as the ice caps before global warming.

Merlin threw his hands in the air, as if he was giving up on the conversation. The thing was that… Gwaine had hinted enough that Merlin and Freya had something going on, and Arthur couldn’t imagine _when_ that didn’t mean there wasn’t something going on. And if there was something, they couldn’t deny Merlin was good at was keeping relationship secrets – he might be lying through his teeth about where he was or who he was with and Arthur would never know, because they didn’t even share any friends (except, maybe, Gwaine, but he wasn’t really a friend yet). For all he knew, yoga might be code for sexy times or they might have been banging in the hospital, using on-call rooms to meet during the moments they were supposed to be studying (Arthur absolutely wasn’t a fan of Grey’s Anatomy and he _hadn’t_ watched all of it, he merely endured it for Merlin’s sake – and, maybe, because there were enough hot guys in too little clothing to stare and dream, but he didn’t _like it_ or gave it any attention, for god’s sake!).

“Just tell me something,” said Arthur, finally, squinting his eyes, “Gwaine said you’ve been sleeping together.”

“No! God, no!” said Merlin, halfway through shocked and horrified. “I had never _touched her_ … Well, not _that way_ , I had never _kissed her_ before yesterday, and definitely haven’t slept with her!”

Arthur didn’t know what to think – he didn’t trust Gwaine more than he trusted Merlin, but the fact was that Merlin _had_ something to lose here, and Gwaine didn’t even know Arthur and Merlin had met – although he did his best to refresh Arthur’s memory with tons of stories about their first year – so he had no reason what so ever to lie.

And Freya… She didn’t look like the kind of girl that had just got drunk and slept with a friend – she had acted as if Merlin was her boyfriend – her _beloved_ boyfriend – and that he’d be back soon.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked, finally, looking Merlin in the eye. “Are you sure you aren’t hiding something from me? I didn’t even know you were close enough for you to stay at her place.”

“I’m not…” said his boyfriend, scratching his head. “Or I wasn’t, I don’t know. You know I’ve known Gwaine for _ages_ and he was overjoyed to meet me again. He was so happy that he won the voting, and they were telling tales, it was fun… Gwaine and I? We were friends, I missed him.”

“Not enough to keep in touch” pointed out Arthur, smirking, and Merlin shook his head.

“Yeah, maybe because I was too afraid to keep in touch with him after what happened between us. I was scared, and I thought that if anyone had any chance to find out, it would be Gwaine – he’d see through it in a second… And things would happen, he’d steal my phone and… Yeah. I liked him, but I didn’t want to stay close – I wanted to be with _you_ , and I didn’t want anything to get in our way, so forgive me if I didn’t keep in touch. Listen, we were good mates, and I missed him, and I like Freya, she’s a good friend. It was late, and I didn’t have the money to get a cab, I had drunk it all, so I stayed… Things just happened. They just _do_. God, can you honestly say you have never done anything like that?”

“Not in a long while, no” said Arthur, seriously. “Not after we decided to really _be_ together, so, forgive me if I’m a bit out of my depth here.”

“Oh my god…” said Merlin, barely above a whisper. “I don’t know what I can say to make you believe, Arthur, but it’s _never_ happened before.

“Look, I can’t explain what happened” said Merlin, taking a deep breath. “It was absolutely maddening and insane and… I was sleeping and I woke up to go to the bathroom and get some water, and Freya was also up to get some water and Gwaine! He was starring in a porn movie inside his bedroom, with all the ‘oh babies’ and ‘fuck me so good’ and ‘you’re so big’ that you can _imagine_.”

Arthur couldn’t stop himself from snorting, because he really could picture that. He had known Alex for ages and he had always been the one to show up in the bedroom, and Gwaine couldn’t be much different, could he? No, not Gwaine.

“So… So you got so turned on by Gwaine’s moaning that you banged the first thing that was in front of you?”

“I can’t explain it Arthur” said Merlin, sounding defeated. “I can’t say… Anything except that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that it happened, and I’m sorry that you had to see it. I _so_ sorry, for both of you.”

“What do you mean, ‘for both of you’?”

“Well…” Merlin closed his eyes again, as if he was preparing for a blow. “I don’t think it was fair to her either. I mean… I think I was wrong. All this time I thought Freya was my friend, but – maybe she feels things.”

“And don’t you? I thought you liked her.”

“No, I like her. Arthur… Please… This is just too complicated. I have _no_ idea. What I _do_ know is – I don’t like her the same way I like you.”

“And what exactly does that mean?”

“Damn, Arthur, don’t make this so hard for me, ok? I screwed up, I said I’m sorry, I can’t… ah…”

“Have you done it before?”

“What?”

“Slept with a woman and not tell me about it”

“Not since we got together, no. I have _always_ told you before. Why would you think it would be different now?”

“Because it is different,” pointed out Arthur. “It’s as if you had turned around and slept with Gwen.”

“Please, don’t” said Merlin, his face contorted at the thought. ”Honestly, I’d be more worried about Lance than about you if I slept with Gwen – I’m pretty sure he’d skin me alive.”

Merlin opened up a smile, clearly trying to joke, but Arthur didn’t budge.

“So I know about all women you slept with?”

“Well, most of them”, said Merlin, nodding. “All women I slept with after I first slept with you, yeah.”

“Why, is there anyone that you slept with _before_ me that I _should_ be aware of?”

“Well…” said Merlin, clearly edgy and trying to play something down. “I kind of slept with your sister.”

“What?” Arthur deadpanned. “What do you mean, you slept with Morgana?”

“Oh… It was in our first year… I hadn’t even met you yet. It was this crazy party Gwaine dragged me to – people were drunk, some high, and they were making stupid things and stupid decisions so, yeah, I slept with your sister and another girl – I’m not sure, I think it was Mithian? I don’t think I met any of these people before or after that party. It was… weird… It kinda looked like a giant orgy after a while – I had hadn’t seen her again, and even after we started dating it took me ages to… You kept saying ‘Morgana this’ and ‘Morgana that’, but I don’t think I had ever _asked_ her name – or if I did, I was too drunk to remember. We had been together for a while when I saw her picture for the first time and I was a bit… Scared? You’re a scary brother, so, I thought it was best to leave it behind. She probably can’t even remember it! It just… Nevermind.”

“I think _I_ am going to be sick” said Arthur, and his stomach was truly acting as if he was in the middle of a storm in open sea. “Now that’s two people you slept with that I had no idea about.”

“But Arthur, that was _before…_ We weren’t even three months into uni yet!”

“Yeah, but now we’re _four years_ into a relationship and _that’s_ when you decided to tell me you slept with my sister.”

“You never asked before!” He shrugged. “You never asked about the girls I had before you, or…”

“Yes, because that’s exactly what you’re supposed to ask the guy you’re fucking – just FYI, did you sleep with my sister? Good! And another girl too…? I should have known.

“Honestly…” said Merlin, and now he was clearly pleading. “It was not like that… I’m not trying to hide things from you, I never was… Arthur, I’m sorry, I’m _so sorry_ , I don’t know what to say. About Morgana, what I _can_ say was that I was ashamed – I was too ashamed to tell. I didn’t know what to do! I thought you’d hit me or something, for spoiling her virtue or some of these things you posh people do. I don’t know, I…”

Arthur just shook his head.

“I think we need a break.”

“What do you mean?” asked Merlin, and he looked truly vulnerable.

“It is just… Too much to think about right now, and I’m not sure where I stand… Maybe it’s better if we stay apart for a while and see…”

“No” said Merlin, his voice firm for the first time during the whole conversation. “No. Either you break up with me, or you stick with me while we sort out this mess. I’m not going to stand here waiting and not knowing -- I’m not your fucking work or your fucking degree, you can’t just ‘take vacations’ in a relationship. You say you don’t know where we stand? Fine. You get your act together and either tell me to piss off or to stay, but don’t try the middle way. God! Do you think I’m not pissed off at myself? Do you think I’m not bothered? Do you think I’m not hurt? Do you think I’m not worried about you and your feelings and Freya and her feelings and the mess I’ve got myself into? I _am_ worried.”

Arthur shook his head again.

“I can’t deal with that right now. I really, really, can’t. This is what I’m going to do: I’m going to leave and I’m going to get completely and utterly drunk, and after that I’ll sleep on it and we’ll talk in a few days – just two or three days. I don’t know… I don’t know how I feel about it right now.”

“Fine” said Merlin, all fight gone. “Fine. Just… Do what you have to do and… Come back. Come back to me, because… I’ll be waiting. I’ll always be waiting. You know that, don’t you?”

Arthur nodded, but didn’t commit to anything. He opened the window and stepped out. Every step he took felt heavier than when he came, he hadn’t expected that – he hadn’t expected Merlin not to know, he hadn’t imagined that Merlin wouldn’t be just _dying_ to tell him everything. He had said he was sorry, but he didn’t look sorry for the reasons Arthur wanted him to be sorry – he seemed to be sorry about the mess, for sleeping with a girl that could care about him – he actually seemed more worried about Freya than about Arthur, and Arthur just couldn’t stand the idea that he wasn’t the foremost concern in Merlin’s head.

He had always been the centre of Merlin’s world, at least when he was at uni. It was weird to think that he cared about other people that way. On the other hand, he knew he was at a serious risk here, for even without Freya, if he gave up Merlin, he could be sure that someone would make a move on Merlin – maybe even Gwaine himself – and he’d be heartbroken, and there was no way of knowing what he’d do.

Arthur tried not to think about it, he tried not to think about all the possible consequences of Merlin’s ill-advised night out drinking. He tried not to think about it at all – as he called people and made plans to meet them in The Rising Sun – but he couldn’t, because every time he closed his eyes, he’d see Merlin touching her  -- her milky skin, her dark hair – and sometimes _her_ was Freya, and other times it was Morgana, or Mithian, but it made no difference because he couldn’t close his eyes without picturing it.

He wondered if it wouldn’t be better for Merlin to have someone he didn’t need to worry about, someone he didn’t have to hide, someone he could walk around with, and that his mother would accept. Maybe it had been a mistake – but maybe it _all_ had been a mistake.

* * *

 

Arthur already wasn’t in the best of moods before arriving in the pub and finding out that someone had invited Gwaine along. Of course, he shouldn’t have been surprised, since he was technically now one of them. Yet, he really didn’t need any reminder of the morning’s events, and this surely was bound to come up during the evening as they traded funny stories.

This led to Arthur not staying long at the table, but walking between it and the counter. There were always other people to talk to beyond his closer friends – and it got even worse after Morgana showed up, grinning madly and sharing herself stories about Merlin (clearly, he had made much more of an impression than she had).

It was hard to pinpoint who exactly had introduced him to this new guy – a cute young thing called Mordred. He was an intern at the University Hospital, and had beautiful blue eyes and dark curly hair. He seemed extremely excited about the Rainbow Table and all its activities. The way he looked at Arthur made him feel like he was the most interesting person he had ever met.

It was easy to flirt with him, and when Mordred started flirting back, Arthur felt his stomach grow cold with excitement. It had been ages since he had indulged himself the luxury of charming someone that way. It still felt easy – natural – and he didn’t even think about what he was doing.

So, although he shouldn’t, he was surprised when Mordred came after him in the bathroom and pressed him against the stall door, kissing him deeply. Arthur had never been the kind of man that waited for someone else to make the move – he was always in control of his life, or he thought he was. Then again, his life was clearly spiralling out from where it was supposed to be, and he might as well enjoy it. If Merlin could indulge himself in a drunken night, so could he.

Mordred kissed him as if he meant business – wild moves and sharp sounds. He was still holding Arthur’s body, stopping him from moving away, even after Arthur started to kiss him back. Soon, he was fighting for supremacy, pressing against Mordred, pulling him close by, pressing his leg against his crotch to feel the hardness of his body.

The boy took another step, getting them definitively inside the stall, and causing Arthur to trip against the toilet. Mordred smirked at him, and used the opportunity to open his own pants, bringing his cock out, already dripping with pre-cum. His attitude made Arthur drop his mouth open in surprise, and it didn’t help when the guy started opening Arthur’s pants and feeling his body with precise movements that seemed designed to make Arthur’s head explode.

It was weird – more than weird – having someone else touching him, but Arthur forbade that thought to come up from the drunken blur he was in. He knew he was panting and wouldn’t last five good minutes, but he didn’t care. It was some bloke he had just met, not someone he wanted to please forever, so, why hold himself back?

Mordred didn’t seem to mind – he actually seemed extremely pleased with himself as Arthur came, hard and blind, against his hand. He didn’t bother to clean his hand before forcing Arthur’s body down, making him sit. Arthur was still taking deep breaths, trying to recover himself from the haze of sensations he was feeling post orgasm while avoiding any feelings of guilt that might be trying to creep into his head when he felt something rubbing against his face and opened his eyes to find Mordred’s cock right in front of him and touching his lips playfully while the man smiled down at him as if challenging him.

Arthur was never one to back away from a challenge, and opened his mouth to receive him at once. He didn’t bother much with sucking, instead choosing to lick him as much as he could and rub his lower lip over the sensitive skin.

It didn’t take long for Mordred to be slamming himself against Arthur’s mouth, pushing his head and pulling his hair. There was no way to mistake the kind of sounds he was making, and it was no surprise when he came in Arthur’s mouth with a loud groan.

Arthur was still trying to sort out the mess on his face when he heard Mordred leaving the stall. It was better that way, really, it was silly to imagine it would be anything but a quick shag in the bathroom, but when he left, Mordred was leaning against the sink, his hands wet and a smile upon his face. He didn’t even had the time to feel particularly surprised before he was being pulled into a full kiss with tongue, as if he hadn’t just had it all.

It was, of course, at this moment that Gwaine chose to walk inside the loo, and didn’t seem surprised at all to find them tangled. He grinned at them, for a moment, before speaking.

“Is there room for one more?”

Arthur’s face must have been shocked enough as an answer, and Gwaine barked out a laugh before tapping his shoulder.

“Just kidding, mate. But I’m glad you copped off.”

He had no idea what to say or how to react – he hadn’t been thinking straight and still had little idea of what he was meant to do, but Mordred smiled at both and took everything out of his hands.

“Take me back to yours.”

And without even considering what he was doing, Arthur did.

* * *

 

Arthur couldn’t remember for the life of him how they had gotten home (had they shared a cab? Or someone gave them a lift? He _did_ remember that Mordred had spent most of the ride with his hands down Arthur’s pants). He didn’t remember arriving, but the doorman _had_ given him a funny look in the morning and reminded him that the building had cameras. From the soreness in his body, he was pretty much sure that Mordred had fucked him into the mattress (this, too, was rare, he had never bottomed for anyone other than Merlin, and even that had been after a long while).

He tried very hard not to think much about it as he went through his morning lectures. Maybe, if he tried hard enough, it would not have happened and he could forget all about it. He was sure that Mordred wasn’t the kind of guy that hoped for more – he had left before Arthur was up, increasing the sense of confusion he felt. And even if it had felt good when he was doing it, the harsh daylight had shown him he hadn’t even wanted it for real – he had been moved by hurt and anger, which were more than enough fuel for a hard on. Mordred hadn’t even been that interesting, he had just been _there_ and looking at Arthur _that way_ and it had been more than enough.

When lunchtime arrived, though, he was forced to face the previous night’s excesses. The phone rang, and while Arthur had been surprised to see it was his father’s calling, it was nothing compared to the fact that he was in town and wanted Arthur to meet him at his flat.

Arthur arrived to find not only his father waiting for him in the hall, but also his lawyer, Geoffrey. Uther’s face was clearly displeased as he walked inside Arthur’s flat, which still had many signs of the last night’s events. Arthur generally kept his place spotless, and was deeply embarrassed, but there was little he could do now. Surely his father hadn’t come over with company to see if he was keeping the place tidy.

“Please sit down” said Uther, as if it was his own place.

Arthur knew better than to remind him that this _wasn’t_ his house, and sat on the sofa. Geoffrey took the chair beside the television, and Uther remained standing.

“You must be wondering why we’re here,” said his father, as if he was addressing the public and not his own child. “I have been called because of some the… _recent_ events.”

“I’m a bit lost here, father.” said Arthur, trying to keep his nerve. “I am not aware of anything that might have been serious enough to bring you over here.”

“Of course you’re not aware” spitted Uther. “I’d hope that you were, at least, deeply intoxicated to take part in such behaviour.”

Something inside Arthur’s head seemed to flare, but he said nothing.

“Your landlord called me this morning” offered Uther, after a few moments. “To talk about your… _behaviour_ last night.”

For a moment, he felt as if everything he had drank was going to come right back up, but he forced himself to keep his composure.

“She didn’t tell me what it was about, but when I arrived, she gave me this.”

Uther showed Arthur a CD, before giving it to Geoffrey, who put it in the DVD player.

“I think it’s better if you watch it” said his father, snarling, and Arthur gulped, wondering if they had barfed in the elevator or destroyed some part of the property.

 But it was worse – much worse. He had to sit there and watch, under his father’s watchful gaze and Geoffrey’s uncomfortable moves, as Mordred snogged him inside the lift for a few seconds, before hitting the emergency stop button and falling to his knees in front of Arthur. He couldn’t move or tear his eyes away from the screen, although he wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground and never come back. _That_ was what the doorman had been on about in the morning, and he felt thankful that there was no sound in the video, for fear of what he might hear.

The scene went on for several minutes, before Mordred stopped and allowed the lift to keep on moving, but that didn’t mean he kept away from Arthur, whose pants were still down as the other man pulled and grabbed him as they walked out. Arthur started to feel thankful that it was finally over, and looked to his father, waiting for what he was about to say, but he merely gestured back to the screen, and Arthur saw that now it was a different camera – the one in his hallway – and Mordred was fucking him against the apartment door.

“I think that is enough,” said Arthur, hating himself more and more by the minute. “I understand that I might have to pay a fine, but I’m sure Geoffrey can convince her against pressing charges for immoral behaviour in public areas or whatever. I’ll be more than glad to make the payment myself, there’s no need for you to worry, father.”

Uther merely raised his eyebrows, clearly still deeply displeased.

“Do you think that _this_ is the problem?” he hissed, livid. “I’m not worried about the police, I’m worried about the press!”

Arthur’s shoulders sagged, and he took a deep breath.

“I’m not exactly a star for them to care about who I shag…”

“You are _my son_ ” reminded Uther, before shaking his head. “How do you think this would look in Parliament? What about businesses? Have you even tried to consider what our enemies could do with this?”

Arthur raised his voice a bit, his patience thinning. He was deeply embarrassed, and truly understood what his father’s point was, but he _knew_ what he had done wrong and hated being talked to as if he was a child.

“It’s not the Dark Ages, father, we don’t have _enemies_ ”

Uther merely snorted.

“You should tell the Archbishop of Canterbury that,” he shook his head. “He used to be a friend of mine, you know that. You never fully appreciate just how much I gave up for your sake!”

“I am deeply grateful, father” said Arthur, trying to calm him down. “I just don’t think it would be that surprising – people expect students to do stupid things…”

“And _I_ expect you to behave with decency in public spaces! I don’t care what you do in the bedroom – or who you do it with – but I won’t stand this kind of behaviour.”

“I know, father” he said, softly, looking to his feet. “I am deeply sorry and it won’t happen again.”

“See that it doesn’t” said Uther, already moving towards the door. “I shall offer her a handsome reward in exchange for the original recording, and hopefully, she will keep her part of the bargain and won’t say anything else about it.”

He stopped, staring at his son with cold eyes.

“I need not to say, Arthur, that if this happens again I might find myself in a position in which I’ll need to take harsher action.”

Arthur merely nodded, and Uther left, Geoffrey close behind him, positively green – whether this was caused by the recording, or by how scary Uther could be when he was in such mood was anyone’s guess.

As he stood alone in his living room, Arthur sat back on the sofa and buried his head in his hands.

It really couldn’t get any worse than this.


	6. Interlude

**Interlude**

“Suction” said Dr. Aglain, seeming a bit bored. “Mordred, keep pressing it or the sutures won’t hold.”

The OR was mostly silent – although the interns seemed to be amazed, as they always were when allowed to help. It was a simple procedure, nothing extraordinary, quite routine, so it allowed them to talk during the surgery.

“Word is that you got lucky yesterday” said Enmyria, her eyes shining under the mask, as she looked at her colleague.

“I’m surprised you even have time to sleep, let alone pick up strangers in bars” said Aglain, his hands moving steadily.

“It wasn’t a stranger” continued Enmyria, clearly teasing. “Mordred went home with the Presided of the Rainbow Table.”

“I think I’m a bit out of depth here” said Again, glancing at them for a second before looking back to the patient. “Who is this again?”

“Arthur Pendragon” said the woman, clearly proud as if it had been her. “He’s gorgeous. A complete waste!”

“I think Mordred will disagree with you here” teased Aglain, looking over to his pupil. “Right?”

Mordred shrugged, still not speaking.

“So, how was it?” asked her, clearly eager to know.

“No details, please” asked Aglain, but he clearly wasn’t bothered with the conversation. Years in the OR had made him used to hearing all sorts of things.

“It was fun” said Mordred, non-comitantly. “Well, we were both drunk, so it got a bit wild.”

“No details!” repeated Aglain, and Mordred chuckled.

“It was good. Well, almost all of it.”

“Why?” asked Enmyria

“I’m going to pretend I’m not here and that I’m not hearing this conversation. You two please carry on, pretend there isn’t a sick man on the table.”

Enmyria stuck her tongue out, which was a bit useless since she was using a mask.

“So?”

“He kept on calling me ‘Merlin’” said Mordred, shaking his head. “I thought he was just confused, you know? All this mythic names and stuff. But he went on and on with it.”

Enmyria raised her eyebrows.

“Well, you said he was drunk, so, it’s not so surprising.”

“Except that as I went to his bedroom’s bathroom, I found another’s man underwear – and extra stuff too.”

“So you weren’t the first person he picked up on a bar. Oh, poor you.”

“It’s not like that” Mordred said, moving closer under Aglain’s guidance. “It’s not random things, but it was all gathered around, as if it _belonged_ there. I think he has a boyfriend.”

“He doesn’t, everyone knows he’s single” said Enmyria, stubbornly. “Unless it’s a secret one”

“Named Merlin” added Mordred, rolling his eyes.

“I thought we agreed that he just got confused?” said the woman, confused.

“He called me Merlin in his sleep – I don’t think he was just confused.”

“Well, time will tell” she said, taking out the suction. “The important bit was that it was fun.”

“Yeah, loads of” Mordred said, snorting.

None of them took notice of the other residents and interns watching from the gallery, or considered that the microphone was on. No one saw Dr. Murdoch grin to himself before leaving it, and if some of them had already met a guy named Merlin that happened to live quite close to Arthur Pendragon, they did not remember it then.

 


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 

Merlin was woken up by a wary nurse as he slept in one of the blissfully empty on-call rooms. Generally, physiotherapy students didn’t spend nights in the hospital, nor did they get privileges such as sleeping in a room, but Sylvia was in for another surgery, and he didn’t really want to stay alone in his empty place, so he had stayed at the hospital. The effect of his presence during the pre-surgical procedures was enough to grant him a reason to stay, and if he was over involved with patients, well, that was the reason he didn’t want to be a doctor in the first place – he didn’t have the heart for it, even if the paediatrics team seemed to disagree.

“Dr. Lake wants to see you in her office” said the woman, her eyebrow raised as if she was surprised he had been called.

Merlin had absolutely _no_ idea why he was being called and shuddered to think about it. It was likely that she had found out he was sleeping there (for two days, but who was counting?), and wanted to send him home in person.

As he walked inside her office, though, there was already someone there – a guy he had seen a few times running around the hospital. He must be a few years younger than Merlin (just a couple), with dark curly hair and bright blue eyes. He was dressed in light green scrubs, and nodded at Merlin as he walked in, his face guarded.

“Hello, Mr. Emrys” she said, giving him one of her most scary smiles. “Have you met Dr. Mordred Gray? He’s one of our interns – Dr. Gray, this is Merlin Emrys.”

Merlin shook the guy’s hand, and noticed that Mordred was clearly uncomfortable, although he had no idea why.

“Please, take a seat,” said Nimueh, and he hurried to obey. “Merlin, your landlord called earlier this morning. It seems that someone broke into your apartment.”

“Oh my god!” said Merlin, his mouth opening. “Is it bad? Oh god, I’m so screwed!”

“Manners” she said, and he closed his mouth instantly.

“I’m sorry!” he screeched. “Oh, God, what did he say? Did they take much?”

“That’s enough” she said, her eyes amused. “The police are at your flat at the moment, but we have more pressing matters to discuss right now.”

Merlin couldn’t imagine what was more pressing than dealing with a felony at his house, but he knew better than to argue with Dr. Nimueh. She cleared her throat, and looked pointedly at Mordred.

“This is where Dr. Gray comes into our conversation” she grinned at both of them. “For it seems, according to hospital gossip, that even though you two haven’t met before, you have both been quite… _intimate_ with a Mr. Pendragon.”

Merlin’s eyes bulged, and he tried to speak and deny it all, but he couldn’t – his face was in flames and his voice was failing him as he tried to form words.

“Now, I don’t generally care about such matters” she went on, ignoring Merlin’s state. “As long as you are not sleeping with patients, I don’t see why I should. The problem is that since it’s Mr. Pendragon we’re talking about, we have been greeted by a small army of journalists trying to get a statement from both of you.”

When Merlin thought his life couldn’t get any worse.

“I’m not…” he started, but Dr. Lake stood, her face stern.

“I have sent them to our auditorium, since this is a _hospital_ , where people come when they are _sick_ and don’t want to be disturbed by _journalists_ trying to get the best piece of _gossip_. I have arranged that you two will meet them there and answer some questions, and they have graciously accepted not to come around anymore after that.”

“I don’t even…” Started Mordred, but Nimueh put her finger in front of her lips, shushing him.

“I don’t care how you two feel about it, or whether you want it, or if you want to go inside there and duel for Pendragon’s hand. What I _do_ care is that they don’t get in the way of _us_ doing _our job_. I don’t need photographers in the way of ambulances, and I certainly don’t need them nagging my staff with questions about your personal lives. You two made this mess, you two will sort it out; do you understand me?”

Merlin could actually hear Mordred gulping, while he just nodded. He felt numb – he couldn’t even process everything that was happening to him at that moment.

“Dr. Gray, please, next time you decide to share your sexual conquests in the OR, remember it has a microphone in it. Also, you two should wash your faces and make yourself presentable, you have already done enough damage to this hospital’s reputation as it is!”

As they both just stood there, staring at her, she snapped.

“Move along! They are waiting for you!”

From being perfectly still, both started leaving as fast as they could, bumping into each other as they tried to reach the door at the same time. One of the nurses outside the room whispered something to the other nurse beside her and they both giggled, looking at them. Clearly the news had spread quite fast.

“I’m sorry” said Mordred, seriously, as they walked in the hallway. “I had no idea.”

“It’s fine” said Merlin – although it wasn’t, not even near fine, but it was hardly Mordred’s fault. “You didn’t know.”

Mordred gave him an apologetic smile, and Merlin acknowledged it with one of his own.

“I should warn you” said Mordred, seriously, just before they walked inside the auditorium. “It’s on the news – someone sent them tons of stuff about you two… I’m not even sure _why_ I have to go – I’m not sure they even _know_ about me…”

“You don’t need to come in,” said Merlin, taking a deep breath. “This is my problem, not yours.”

Mordred shook his head.

“Yeah, but it _is_ my fault that the word got around, the least I can do is offer you moral support.”

Merlin snorted, shaking his head.

“From the guy who slept with my boyfriend?” he asked with a dark amusement.

“Good point” muttered Mordred, looking at him. “Well, Dr. Nimueh told me to come so…”

“Yeah, I don’t think she’d let you get away with not coming in,” he agreed.

“Ready?” Mordred’s voice was trembling, and Merlin tried to get a hold of himself.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be,” he answered, truthfully. “But I have to do it, so, here we go.”

Mordred nodded and opened the door, allowing Merlin to walk in first. For a second, he felt blinded by all the flashes. He focused on the chairs with glasses of water on the table in front, and walked to it, his back straight and his face raised, as he had seen Arthur do so many times while he hid himself to watch him being the perfect leader to the Rainbow Table.

He didn’t even notice Mordred tagging along, he _really_ didn’t want to even consider all the consequences of what had just happened.

After that, everything got increasingly weird and Merlin felt as if he was watching himself deal with the journalists. He answered the questions with truth, but not saying more than he needed to say. He joked about Mordred, flirted with one of the journalists and teased when asked personal questions. It was all completely automatic, not himself speaking, but as if he was channelling Arthur’s and Gwaine’s behaviour, and if his ears got red exposing his embarrassment, well, no one was perfect.

He spent nearly twenty minutes answering stupid questions that ranged from the influence of his position on Arthur’s politics to how he felt about being outed on the news. His whole body seemed to be filled with adrenaline.

“One last question” announced Mordred, firmly. “We still have to work.”

“Merlin, are you aware of the rumours surrounding the friendship between Arthur and Prince Harry at Eton? What do you have to say about it?” asked one of the women, her hand up in the air.

For the first time in days, Merlin could honestly laugh, because from _everything_ that he had been going through, gossip seemed so tiny compared to how his life was crumbling around his head that he couldn’t help feeling amused.

“Yes, I am aware, I _do_ live on this planet” he said, grinning madly. “And I can guarantee you that there’s no truth in the rumours, honestly – I did spend a good while dreaming about it, but no, nothing happened between them. Unfortunately, for I’d love to invite the Prince round!”

That led the audience to laugh alone with him, and he stood up, patting into Mordred’s back.

“It’s been a pleasure. Now, if you would excuse us, we have patients to see.”

As Merlin left the auditorium, he felt as if he could conquer the world. Sure, it would be hard to talk to his mother, but she was still his _mother_ , so, it couldn’t be worse than facing a room full of hungry wolves that called themselves journalists, right?

The one thing he forgot was that _he_ wasn’t the only one of his friends to work in the hospital. As he was passing by the auditorium main entrance, he found Freya standing there, clearly waiting for him, her arms crossed and her face showing all the anger she felt.

“Hey” he said, stopping by, unsure of how to act.

“You used me” she said, her voice low and hurt.

“Freya, I’m so sorry…” he said, and he couldn’t really begin to explain himself.

“No – no” she interrupted him, fierce as she hardly ever was. “You know what’s the worst of it? Now everyone looks at me as if I was some poor deluded thing.”

Merlin could only look down – it was all his fault, and even worse, he could imagine very well how she was feeling, for he had seen that kind of suffering before.

“If you had told me, I would have played the beard for you” she said, her voice thick with tears. “I would, because I _like_ you, and not only _that_ way, but as a _friend_.”

“I like you too, Freya” he started, but she went on as if he hadn’t said anything.

“At least I _thought_ I liked you, now I’m not even sure _who_ you are!”

“I’m sorry” said Merlin, again, for lack of something better to say. “I just wanted to be friends, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to lead you on or to hurt you.”

Freya just closed her eyes, tears streaming down her face.

“I’m so… _humiliated_!” she said, shaking her head. “I was a fool – I should have noticed – you never touched me, and never seemed to… _God…_ Were you pretending I was a guy when you slept with me?” she asked, finally, her voice cracking.

“No!” Merlin assured, quickly. “It’s not like that – I _do_ like girls…”

“You just don’t like _me_ ” she said, nodding. “Not as much as you like this Arthur bloke.”

Merlin didn’t say anything, because here was no way he could deny it.

“This Arthur guy” she said, finally, drying her tears in the back of her hand. “He must be really something – you’re head over heels for him, Gwaine thinks he’s great, even Lance…” she sighed, tiredly. “You really are completely in love with him, aren’t you? I could see it in your eyes when you spoke about him during the interview.”

Merlin nodded a bit, feeling sorry for himself.

“Yeah.”

“Then why did you sleep with me?” she asked, sadly.

“Because I am completely in love with him.”

And _this_ was the only true answer he could give her – the biggest truth in his life.

* * *

The alarm went off, but Arthur didn’t wake up. He turned it off and went back to sleep. After his father had left, he had indulged himself a pity fest for the mess that his life had turned into, opening a bottle of whisky and missing his afternoon classes. The whisky was followed by vodka, then wine, and then some beers that had been in the fridge for ages.

Of course, the following day came with a terrible headache, and even after he had done everything he was supposed to do cure a hangover, he still felt hollow and his head was still heavy. As the hours passed, it became clear that he was having one of his rare migraine attacks, and he hated himself even more – he knew it always happened when he mixed drinks.

As the second morning dawned, Arthur still didn’t feel like getting up – he didn’t even know what the point of it was anymore, and allowed himself to drown in his own angst, trying to sleep his problems away.

He woke up to the sound of his doorbell ringing furiously, although he hadn’t heard the intercom. He tried to ignore it and pretend he wasn’t home, but whoever it was didn’t stop trying to get him to answer it, hitting the door and pressing the bell alternately.

Arthur gave up trying to sleep and rose, not in the best of moods.

“I’m coming” he called, and the attack on his door stopped.

He opened the door to find a completely agitated Morgana, shaking a copy of The Sun in front of his face.

“WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS?”

Arthur could hardly see the picture, but it seemed to be him holding a dark-haired guy’s face, deep in a kiss – it seemed that his father’s negotiations a few days before hadn’t gone well.

“Shit” he said, taking a deep breath. “Father will go ballistic”

“You bet he will!” hissed Morgana. “How could you not tell me?”

“What was I supposed to tell you? You saw me leaving the pub with Mordred,” he pointed out, frowning.

“Mordred?” she asked, shaking her head. “I’m talking about _Merlin._ ”

Arthur felt his whole body stop at the mention of the name, and took the newspaper out of her hands before she said anything else. Now that she wasn’t shaking the thing against his face, he saw that it was a picture of him and Merlin – it must be a couple of years old – and that it was in the front page of the news.

Every single time he thought his life couldn’t get worse, he found that he was wrong.

He scanned the page quickly only to find out that, somehow, they had found out everything – every tiny detail of their relationship, things they had never shared with anyone else. The article ended saying that more could be found on the website, and he ran to his computer to see – dozens of pictures, some of them blurred to hide their nakedness.

There was only _one_ place where they could have gotten that – Merlin’s computer.

For one wild moment, Arthur wondered if Merlin had sold their story and gotten some money out of it, but he discarded the thought straight away. Merlin would _never_ out himself like this, not after all these years hiding it for his mother’s sake. Even if their whole relationship seemed to be doomed, he’d never make her go through this.

“So” said Morgana, clearing her throat. “How could you? Four whole years? And not a word?”

Arthur just shook his head – there was little he could say that hadn’t already been said by the news.

“I can totally understand that you wanted it to keep quiet because of his mother, but I’m your _sister_ , for fuck’s sake!”

Arthur was at loss about what he could say to calm her down, and yet, there was only one thing he _could_ say.

“I think we’re breaking up” he said, his voice soft with sadness.

“Oh, Arthur, what did you do?” she said immediately, coming closer to him.

“Why do you assume _I_ did something?” he complained, pouting.

Morgana’s only answer was raising her eyebrow.

“I told him I needed a break.”

“Why?”

“He slept with someone else,” said Arthur, shrugging. “A girl, named Freya.”

Morgana nodded, slowly.

“Is this why you slept decided to get drunk and pick up children from the daycare?”

Arthur gasped, but he couldn’t deny it, so he just shrugged.

“And what is that about Mordred? Why would he be in the news?”

He took a deep breath.

“It seems that we… got a little out of control and started things before getting to the apartment.”

Morgana snorted at that.

“Yeah, I noticed it on the way here” she said, smiling.

“God, I screwed everything, didn’t I?” he said, shaking his head. “Merlin will never forgive me.”

“I thought he had cheated on you” Morgana was clearly puzzled, and Arthur really didn’t want to say it, but there was no point in trying to hide anything from his sister.

“Yeah… About that” he said, gulping. “I might have… said I wanted him to live his sexuality fully. Often and a lot.”

“Are you insane?” barked Morgana. “You’re the most jealous guy I ever knew! Why on Earth would you want an open relationship?”

Arthur snorted, shaking his head. Right now, he was at loss about why he had done it as well.

“Because I believe it should be that way?” his voice was trembling. “I _believe_ in it, Morgana, how could I _act_ unlike it? Specially after all these brilliant speeches about how we don’t really _get_ bisexuals?”

Morgana put her right hand in her forehead, rubbing it, clearly trying to find in herself enough patience to deal with Arthur’s antics.

“Clearly, you _don’t_!” she said, finally. “God, Arthur, just because we _can_ like both men and women doesn’t mean we _need_ to have both all the time!”

Arthur just shrugged at that.

“Yeah, well, it seems that Merlin does” he said, his voice broken.

“Or maybe you pushed him into it” was her answer. Morgana’s hands where in her hips, and she was staring at him as if he was a child stealing cookies before dinner. “Did you?”

“I might have,” he agreed, taking a deep breath.

“And then made a scene when he actually did it – God, you’re such an arsehole!”

“I know” Arthur couldn’t honestly explain even to himself why he hadn’t managed to _think_ straight. Then again, he _was_ a very jealous person, as Morgana had reminded him so nicely. “But… It wasn’t only that.”

“What else?” she asked, clearly finding him more ridiculous than she usually did.

“You” he said, finally, without looking at her. “I just found out that he slept with you _after_ the thing with Freya. He had never told me.”

“Arthur!” She was clearly exasperated. “That was _ages_ ago!”

“Exactly!” He huffed, standing up. “And he _never_ told me!”

“Well, I can totally see why!” she answered, clearly angry. “It is _none_ of your business!”

“You are my _sister_!” Arthur’s voice was firm, and she just cackled.

“Well, I’m not _really_ your sister. And anyway, I’m not _yours_ and neither is _Merlin_. You weren’t together then, were you?”

“No, but…” he started, but she cut him off.

“Have you ever told him about _me_?” Her voice was sharp. “Does Merlin know that when you were fourteen and I had just moved in, you decided that you’d like girls, and you bedded me?”

“I didn’t _bed_ you” Arthur started, and she snorted.

“You _tried_ , and you were _inside_ , so it doesn’t really matter if you went all soft and couldn’t go on – you bedded me.  Have you ever told Merlin about _that_?”

“No, but…”

“What about that one time that you sucked Leon off at Eton, does he know about _that_?”

“How do _you_ know about that?” asked Arthur, surprised, and she smirked.

“I have my ways” she answered, and she became serious again. “Does he know about it?”

“No” said Arthur, knowing that there was no way he was getting out of his one.

“And why is that?”

“Because it has _nothing_ to do with him!” whined Arthur.

“See? There! It has _nothing_ to do with you either that he helped me sleep with Mithian after years of pining after her.”

Arthur didn’t have an answer for that – he was still upset, and he still felt as he had been lied to, but Morgana – damn her – had a point. She always had a point.

“Just assume it, you screwed up because you can’t handle having anything out of your control.”

That was – and had always been – the truth about his life. Arthur had always needed thing to go exactly according to plan, and whenever he failed, he couldn’t rein in his temper or feelings. Even when he knew he was being unreasonable – and he was ready to agree that his logic was faulty here – it didn’t make them go away, and certainly didn’t make it stop hurting.

“How can I ever know if he’s hiding something? How can I ever know that he won’t just fall for someone else?”

“You can’t” she said, simply. “No one can. That’s how relationships are – we just… _go_ in there and hope for the best.”

Arthur smiled at her, sadly.

“I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can handle it.”

Morgana set beside him, and pulled him into her arms. Arthur didn’t usually allow it, but he couldn’t see the point of fighting it now.

“For what it is worth… I don’t think he’d do anything like that” she said, softly. “I have met him only once, but… He’s been with you for _four_ years. It’s a long time. He stayed by your side for _four_ years, and it wasn’t because you’re Arthur Pendragon, or because you have money, or anything – none of this matters when you can’t brag about it – and he didn’t give you up _even though_ he knew his mother wouldn’t approve of it.” She took a deep breath. “He stayed with you this whole time for you and you alone – he put up with your terrible moods and your crazy habits, not to mention your _terrible_ cooking skills. That should _mean_ something. I don’t think he would have slept with anyone if you hadn’t pushed it.”

 “I pushed him away because of it” confessed Arthur, his voice low.

“You jerk” she said, but there was no heat in it. “You supercilious fool. When you’ll ever learn?”

He didn’t know what to say – didn’t know what to do – even if everything that Morgana said _was_ true, it didn’t change the fact that Merlin had just been thrown out of the closet to the whole country _because_ of Arthur; and he surely would hate him for that.

* * *

 

As Merlin walked out of the hospital something hit his face hard – something that closely resembled a fist, and that made quite an impact against his cheekbones.  The pain blinded him for a few seconds, enough to hear Gwen’s voice shrieking, as he held his own head.

“Will!”

“You bastard!” Will said, and Merlin rose from the surprise. “You… I can’t _believe_ you!”

“Will!” said Gwen again, trying to pull him away, but the man didn’t seem to even notice it.

“You are a _liar_ and a _cunt_! How could you do this? Don’t you think about your _fucking mother_? And Freya?”

“That’s quite enough” said Lance, his voice steady.

“You’re just like your father” said Will, spitting at Merlin and then walking away.

“Will!” yelled Gwen, once again.

“Just leave him, dear” said Lance, still calm.

Merlin wasn’t really surprised by Will’s reaction – he didn’t expect any less from him, all things considered.

“You better put some ice on that,” said Lance, keeping his cool as he always did. “I’ll get you some.”

“Thanks” said Merlin, weakly.

As her boyfriend walked inside, Gwen herself moved to smack Merlin’s arm.

“Ouch!” he said, surprised at her strength.

“We are your friends!” she said, clearly pissed off.

“I know, Gwen…” he said, taking a deep breath. “It’s only… It’s complicated.”

“You bet it is – Will was screaming with someone from Ealdor on the phone all the way here.”

Merlin tried to frown, but it seemed that his face was a bit swollen from Will’s punch, and it hurt, so he gave up on it.

“And poor Freya – she must have been heartbroken!” Gwen’s voice was showing how disappointed she was, and that hurt much more than Will’s violence. “You shouldn’t have led her on.”

“I didn’t mean to” he said, honestly. “It just… Sort of happened?”

“I bet Arthur wasn’t thrilled about it” she said, snorting.

“Especially since he found us together in the morning, no” agreed Merlin. “I’ve made a complete mess of everything.”

Gwen shook her head and patted his back, lightly.

“It will sort itself out, I’m sure.”

“Here” said Lance, handing him an ice pack.

Merlin pressed it against his face, and Gwen tugged his sleeve.

“We heard about your flat – we’ll drive you over.”

He didn’t say anything, just followed numbly towards their car. As Lance started the engine, he spoke.

“So, Arthur Pendragon. He seems like a nice bloke.”

Merlin sighed.

“I’m not sure we’re still together,” he said, and Lance looked at him through the rear mirror.

“Because of Freya or because of the other guy?”

“Both” Merlin took a deep breath. “I haven’t even seen the damn news yet.”

“I thought you wouldn’t have,” said Gwen, handing him the paper.

Merlin read it while Lance took him home. One didn’t have to be a Sherlock Holmes to figure out that his apartment being invaded and the sort of information the press had gotten hold of were closely related. They seemed to know everything about Merlin’s and Arthur’s personal life.

“What I can’t stop wondering his… How did they first heard of you?”

“Mordred seems to have noticed something” said Merlin, shrugging. “I’m not sure how he knew it was me either.”

“Merlin isn’t a very common name” Lance pointed out, looking for a spot to park.

“No, but there was nothing he could have seen with my name” Merlin said, leaving the newspaper on the seat. “Arthur always fretted about us being found – I hardly ever went over his place. There were some bits, but nothing that could have been traced to me, unless he ran a DNA test.”

They walked out of the car, and Gwen bit her lower lip, nervously.

“Unless Arthur said something.”

“What?” asked Merlin, confused, “Why would he?”

“Have you _seen_ Mordred?” she said, eyeing Merlin with curiosity. “He’s like… Well, he could have been confused.”

“We are not alike at all!” complained Merlin.

Gwen smirked at that, and raised her eyebrows.

“Anyway…” she went on “I’m not talking about when he was _awake_ and… I mean – sleeping. He could have been dreaming about you”

“Maybe” said Merlin, and then he shook his head. “It doesn’t really matter, not anymore.”

“I suppose it doesn’t.” she agreed.

“Come on, let’s see how much of a flat I have left” said Merlin, walking inside the building.

* * *

 

It was worse than he’d imagined – there were a few police officers inside, and he had to prove he _really was_ himself (which one wouldn’t be expecting considering his picture had been in the front page of the news) before he could walk in. Whomever came around hadn’t bothered to get anything apart from what they needed to prove he was in a relationship with Arthur – actually, all of Arthur’s things were gone; as was his computer, some notes they had left each other, the picture he kept inside the wardrobe.

If it weren’t for the walls, it would have looked exactly as his flat would if they broke up and Arthur moved all his stuff out.

Because while they hadn’t bothered to touch his study things, or even his food or clothes, every single wall in the apartment had been sprayed over with pornographic doodles and curses, using colourful language to refer to his sexuality.

The officers assured him that they were treating it seriously – as a hate crime as well as a robbery, but it did little to help Merlin’s nerves. The landlord was incredibly pissed off, and reminded him that as soon as the police allowed, the walls should be repainted to cover that “indecency”. He also complained that Merlin was putting the whole building at risk, that he had compromised the other neighbours’ safety and was expected to pay for a new lock to the main doors. It took everything he had to refrain to point out that Arthur had been walking inside and outside the building for over an year without anyone even noticing, so the security couldn’t be that good.

Gwen told him they would love to have Merlin over for as long as he needed, but he didn’t want to stay with them – he wanted to be alone, to crawl in his bed and never get up, and to pretend he was somewhere else.

To top it off, as the police left and Gwen and Lance went out to buy some paint for them to start working on the walls, the landlord came back to tell him his mother was coming over.

Merlin couldn’t even pretend he was surprised.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 

Arthur very much wanted to stay on his own, but since his whole life had been turned upside down, he had little choice but to get out of the house. From what Morgana had said as he showered and tried to get ready to leave, the Rainbow Table was filled with people, all wondering about Arthur and why he hadn’t showed up.

Ranulf, of course, seemed to be using the moment to explain everything that was wrong with Arthur’s lead, as he always would. He would have to face them and explain it to them as well as he could. And if they decided he wasn’t good enough for the job, or that they couldn’t trust him, if they asked him to step down, he would. If they accepted that sometimes what you love and what you want are different things, he’d apologize, stay and never look back again.

All things said and done, what he was really worried about was Gwaine. The man had a way to sway the crowd that was a natural gift, and he probably was more than pissed with Arthur and Merlin right now. Considering that he lived with Freya and had shared a room with Merlin for a whole year, Arthur was pretty sure that he would be angrier at him than at Merlin.

As he arrived, everyone seemed to be completely silent. He picked the keys for the larger room in his pocket and opened the doors. The light were already on, and he didn’t allow himself to worry about the audience’s mood as he stood on the tiny platform in front of the room.

He didn’t say anything until he was sure that everyone that had come over was inside. Morgana stood by the door, although she had wanted to walk over with him – Arthur would have none of it; it was his problem, and he’d face it alone. Still, his sister seemed to be trying to support him using her eyes.

Before he started talking, he took a moment to look at the group, each and every one of them. Some looked angry, some looked sympathetic, Ranulf couldn’t hide his scorn and Morgause had her face held up in a fierce stare that seemed to encourage him. Radnor, the undergrad representative actually nodded towards him, waiting for him to speak, and Elena gave a soft smile. Gwaine was nowhere to be seen – thankfully.

“I feel that I own you all an apology” he started, still looking closely at them. “I understand that some of you may have felt… cheated when learning about my relationship through the press, rather than personally. I also understand that it goes against everything I ever said hiding that I have a relationship. I have _always_ prided myself in being honest, and the only thing I have to say in my defense is that it was not my secret to tell. Please believe me when I say I would have liked nothing more than to share my happiness with all of you – and to show you and the whole world that one can be gay and still have a healthy, stable relationship.”

He stopped, unsure of what to say next, but no one said a word, they were still waiting for him to go on.

“Some of you are out and proud – to those, I’d like to ask you to remember how difficult it was for you to tell your parents about yourself, because, sadly, even the most lovely parents can be difficult when facing something like this. Some of you are yet to go through this, but have decided to be yourselves when away from them. Some of you have struggled to accept your own sexuality, whatever it may be. _All_ of you have been judged by standards that you don’t believe in. _This_ was the main reason for the secrecy in my relationship – not the fear of society, but something much closer to home, the wish not to hurt one’s mother. Merlin had his reasons to believe she would never accept him, and I didn’t think it was right to push him to come out when he didn’t feel ready for it.”

He had to actually take his eyes away from Morgana’s raised eyebrow and obvious smirk, or he would end up losing his head and going over to hit her with a pan (not that he had one around, but the idea seemed adequate).

“All of us dream of a better world – a world in which no child will have to fear such thing from their parents. A world in which we’re all equal in society as we are when he gather here. The hope of a better tomorrow and the belief that _everyone_ should be accepted are the reason behind our emblem. The circle represents the mythical round table, in which, according to legend, the concept of equality first came to be, amidst men that believed in a better world. The colors of the rainbow stands for our multiple sexualities, and the way in which all of them are complementary and equally important. This is not just a way of showing our pride in who we are, but the underlying reason for our existence. While we suffer from discrimination, lack of constitutional rights, violence and homophobia, we’re to fight against it, together. I want nothing more than to continue my work here, because I _truly_ believe in it, in spite of what my personal choices might have made it seem, but if you’d ask me to step down, I will do so gladly and still stay here, for this will _still_ be my cause and one of the most important parts of my life. I can hardly stress how sorry I am for all of this, how much I wish I had never given you reason for disappointment – but I cannot change what already happened, I can only hope that you’ll find it in yourself to forgive me for my errors and trust me to continue to lead you even thought I might not deserve it.”

The end of his speech was met with a long silence – people seemed to be unsure if he was done or not, so Arthur decided to simply step down. There was no point in standing there as a giant target if people weren’t going to either accuse him or accept him.

As he walked out of the platform, everyone started to talk at once. Morgause was by his side in one second, and nodded to him, her face still tight. As he moved towards the door, she stood right beside him, as did Radnor, Owain and Ewan. Morgana offered him an approving smile from where she stood, and Elena came over to give him one of her long awkward hugs.

Soon it became clear that while people were confused and had many questions, they were glad to have him as President of the Rainbow Table, and only Ranulf and a handful of his closer friends spoke against him – and even those vanished under Morgana’s hard stare and Morgauses evil expression (he didn’t see it, but he knew them well enough).

Here, at least, things could still be fixed and everything would go well.

It was time to face those things that might not recover.

* * *

 

Somehow, Merlin was surprised when Arthur showed up in his window. He, Lancelot and Gwen had been deep into the task of trying to paint the walls, while Gwen left increasingly threatening messages to Will on his cellphone, much to Merlin’s surprise. Not that he was surprised that Will wasn’t picking up, he just hadn’t expected her to be so deeply into _his_ side of the story. She had even gone as far as calling their parents, who let her know that while Will _hadn’t_ called then, Hunith had said he’d pick her up at the train station in the evening, so it was only a matter of time until Merlin would have to face him again.

The window had been open, but still, he knocked on the glass. The three of them turned around in an instant, and Merlin took a deep breath, preparing himself for what surely would be an awkward conversation.

“Come in” he said, and went on as Arthur climbed through it. “You could have come through the street, you know? There’s no point in that now.”

“It didn’t even occur to me” said Arthur, but he was looking at his friends, clearly unsure on how to deal with their presence. “You must be Gwen” he said, finally, offering his hand.

“Hello, Arthur” she said, softly, and as Merlin didn’t say anything, she explained “they broke in the flat and left a few messages we’re trying to get rid of”.

Arthur nodded, clearly not really paying attention to what she was saying or doing. Lance acknowledge him with a movement of his head.

“Pendragon” he said, his voice as warm as ever.

“DoLago” said Arthur with a gesture of his own.

Merlin honestly couldn’t find it in him to care about such niceties – he wasn’t even sure if he wanted his friends to vanish into thin air or Arthur. It was as if something inside him, that had been asleep and under control during the whole day suddenly had woken up with a renewed urge.

“You know, at this rate, we won’t be able to cook – so I was thinking, Gwen and I will get some takeaway. Chinese, maybe?”

“Chinese sounds lovely” he said, without any sort of feeling.

“Would you want some as well?” Lance asked Arthur, but the man shook his head.

“No, I’m fine” his voice was clipped.

“We’ll be back soon” assured Gwen, rubbing Merlin’s arm. “Call us if you need anything.”

“Thanks” he said automatically, and they left.

The silence was even heavier then – he had no idea what he could possibly say and also didn’t really know what Arthur might have wanted to share.

“Did they take much?” the other man said, finally, sounding concerned.

“The computer, some pictures – all of your stuff” Merlin sighed. “They clearly knew what they were looking for.”

Arthur just nodded, and didn’t say anything.

“I’m going to pay you all the stuff you lost” Merlin went on, and Arthur looked a bit startled.

“No need for that”

He had known, of course, that Arthur would say so, but he wanted to anyway. Still, it seemed like a waste of time arguing about it right now.

“You were in the hospital, then?” said Arthur, looking around, “when they came?”

“Yeah. Sylvia was going to operate again…” he said, absent-minded.

“And how did it go?” asked Arthur, which finally made Merlin remember that he didn’t really know.

“I don’t know… I don’t think she was out yet” he said, biting his lower lip. “God, I completely forgot. I’ll have to call them later and see if they’ll tell me anything.”

The look on Arthur’s face showed that he was clearly more surprised about Merlin have left before knowing how it went than by anything else that might have happened that day.

“Nimueh sent me away” he said, shaking his head. “Well, first she sent me into the lion’s den, and then she sent me out.”

“The lion’s den?” repeated Arthur, confused.

“There were some members of the press over – Mordred and I talked to them.”

Arthur seemed indeed surprised by that.

“No one came over” he said, finally, frowning. “But, then again, Morgana came over, so she must have dealt with them. She can be pretty scary.”

Merlin snorted at that, before taking a deep breath.

“How did she take it?”

“As well as could be expected” Arthur put his hands in his pockets. “She hit me, and yelled at me, and said I’m a supercilious prat or something like that.” He shook his head, not really saying anything. “Just typical Morgana.”

Merlin nodded, but didn’t know what to say.

“So, Nimueh told you? And she called Mordred as well?”

“Yeah” said Merlin, messing with the closest brush for lack of something better to do. “He looks like a nice kid, Mordred.”

Arthur gaped at him for what seemed the eternity.

“So, what’s that mark on your face?” he asked, finally, regaining his composure. 

“Oh, that was Will” explained Merlin, frowning. “He wasn’t very pleased to learn about us – he punched me.”

“Lance and Gwen seem to have taken it in a stride” offered Arthur, and Merlin nodded again.

“They are wonderful, really, I don’t deserve them. They went to the hospital to pick me up and drive me over.”

Arthur took a deep breath before speaking again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I figured” said Merlin, shrugging.

“Can you forgive me?” Arthur’s voice was raw, and Merlin finally looked up and inside his eyes.

“For sleeping with Mordred?” he questioned, and gave a sad smile. “With time, I think, yes.”

He could see Arthur’s face start to light up, and it broke his heart that he had to continue to speak, because, really, there was nothing Merlin wanted more than to see his smile, to allow himself to get close and safe inside Arthur’s strong arms, to feel his taste in his mouth, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t that simple – although he wished he was.

“But I’m not sure I can forgive you for being so careless – for exposing me that way.”

Arthur’s whole face crumbled, and he looked somewhere between upset and angry.

“I should have known” he said, angry. “I should have guessed that you’d blame it all on me.”

“It _is_ your fault” he accused, tightly. “You are the one that slept with a guy that _somehow_ ended up exposing us to the world.”

“Have you even wondered why I even ended up in bed with him?” retorted Arthur, angrily.

“Are you telling me you did it as a petty revenge against me?” Merlin shot back, his anger rising. “I slept with a girl after you _nagged_ me to and then up decided to twist your knickers and bang the first guy you saw. Yeah, that’s a bit rich!”

“You didn’t just sleep with her” snapped Arthur. “Let’s call it what it is: you got yourself a _girlfriend_ ”

“You’re being ridiculous”

“Am I?” asked Arthur. “So, please, tell me, how did Freya react when she saw the news?”

That gave Merlin a stop, and he didn’t reply, which led Arthur to look quite smug.

Something, then, took the pleased look out of his face, and Merlin heard someone clearing their throat as he spun around. He had never meet him in person, but there was no way he could mistake the man on his doorstep.

Uther Pendragon – and he didn’t look at all pleased. In fact, he looked as if he had just stepped into something disgusting.

“I was hoping I might find you here” he said, looking at his son, before his eyes flicked at Merlin. “You must be Mr. Emrys.”

“Yes, sir” he answered, feeling completely inadequate in his slept on scrubs and hands filled with paint. “Please, come in.”

Uther walked inside, and carefully closed the door behind him.

“I’d like to speak with you” It was clear by his look that he meant Arthur and Arthur alone.

“You can speak to me here.”

“Very well” Uther’s voice was even but hard as he looked at both. “You’ll be glad to know that I convinced your landlady to keep that recording of you and that other lad to herself. I’m sure neither of you need any more… _exposure_.”

Merlin honestly was trying very hard not to run away – the look on the older man’s face certainly was what inspired Medusa’s legend in the first place.

“Now, I don’t think I even need to say how _disappointed_ I am with you, Arthur” he went on and Merlin saw that Arthur was now looking to the floor, as a kid being told off. “I would have thought I made it perfectly clear that I accepted your deviant lifestyle and supported you through it – I certainly didn’t expect you to keep such a secret.”

“I know, father” said Arthur, completely subdued. “I am sorry.”

“I have never been more ashamed of you”

Uther didn’t seem like he was going to stop anytime soon, and Arthur was shrinking more and more with each word – just a child that looked nothing like the man Merlin had fallen in love with. He already disliked Uther _before_ seeing that, but now he positively _hated_ the man and was struggling to stay silent.

“Can you imagine what it was like for me, to wake up with those blasted journalists who seemed to know more about my son’s life than I did?” He paused for just a moment, before adding. “Of course, I gave a statement to remind them that your personal life is private and shouldn’t be linked with your political activities.”

“Thank you, father” sighed Arthur, and Merlin could feel his whole self shaking with rage.

“Are you incapable of thinking about others?” he asked, still stern. “Have you ever considered what this might mean to your public life – to my public life? It’s not enough that I have a homosexual for a son, but he’s also a liar and unfaithful! After all the things I changed because of you, Arthur! My friends, my political allies… I had to start my career from scratch because of you – and all you have to say is ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’? Have you ever thought of how much this might yet cost me? I gave up…”

“You didn’t give up anything for Arthur” Merlin could no longer control himself. “You did it for _your_ own sake! You saw in it an opportunity of growth for _your_ career, so you _changed_. You didn’t do it _for_ him, not because you’re a _good_ father or because you _support_ him – and don’t even say you do, for every other word that comes out of your mouth says otherwise! Now, you don’t get to punish _him_ for having a life – maybe if you _had_ one beside of your work, someone you truly _loved_ , you’d understand, but you _can’t_ , can you? You can just think about _yourself_.”

He was honestly scared of what would Uther’s reaction be, but the older man seemed as shocked with Merlin as he felt about his outburst. Arthur was looking at Merlin as if he had never seen him before.

“You leave me no choice” Uther’s eyes were cold and empty. “I shall distance myself from you, publicly. Geoffrey will settle the details with you, and you shall keep your mother’s revenue, of course.” He didn’t look even a bit sorry about he was saying, even if Arthur was clearly crushed. “I bid you two a good day.”

As Uther left, it seemed to take away the last of Arthur’s strength. He sunk to the sofa, his whole body shaking, and Merlin couldn’t stop himself from getting closer and holding him. Arthur was hyperventilating, and for a bit, he seemed to be under control, but then, he just snapped and stood up.

“I should go”

“Arthur, don’t…” he started, but it was already too late, and the other man left through the window, leaving nothing behind but the soft smell of his body in the cushions.

* * *

 

Gwaine found him curled in the couch, trying to hold Arthur’s scent through the fresh paint. Merlin wondered how long it would take before he started shouting or physically attacking Merlin, but he did no such thing, instead, he took a look around the place and took off his shirt and shoes.

“What are you doing?” asked Merlin, completely puzzled.

“I figured you needed some help with those” said Gwaine, pointing to the walls.

“I though you’re going to hit me” he confessed, still a bit wary.

“I still might” warned Gwaine, but there was a big grin in his face. As he noticed it failed to produce the desired response, he got serious again. “Look, I don’t hate you.”

“It seems that you’re alone in this” was Merlin’s only reply, and Gwaine sat in front of her.

“I can’t say I’m thrilled either, but…” he shrugged. “People screw up, it happens.”

“Yeah, but I seem to have a particular talent for it” he agreed, sadly. “I think I might have drove Arthur’s father to disinherit him – and my mom probably hates me right now. Will certainly does. And Freya.”

Gwaine frowned at him, before speaking.

“She doesn’t hate you, she’s just… Hurt.”

“Yeah, that’s my fault as well.”

“What I don’t understand is... Why did you do it?”

And the real thing was that Merlin couldn’t even begin to explain Gwaine about all the things that had been in his head that night.

“Do you like her?” the man asked, tilting his head.

“No!” Merlin answered, quickly, and blushed, embarrassed. “I mean…”

“Not like that” offered Gwaine, nodding. “I figured that much.”

“It was a stupid, stupid decision” he said, shaking his head. “I was drunk and…. Just plain stupid.”

“That’s a crappy excuse” the other man told him, crossing his arms. “I can guarantee you that drinking alcohol doesn’t make your cock come up or your clothes come off without some persuasion.”

Merlin hadn’t meant it as if it excused his behavior, for he knew he didn’t – he was just trying to find words to make Gwaine understand what had happened to him then.

“Freya is lovely” he said, finally, clearing his throat. “And I was _awful_ to her. And to Arthur.”

Gwaine snorted; clearly this was the understatement of the century.

“We were having fun. And we were drunk – and you were saying all those things, and Arthur… Arthur had also said all those things that same day and I wondered…” He raised his head, looking at the man that once had been his closest companion. “I am not like you, you know?” he said, pained. “It comes easily to you – the confidence, the attitude. You know it. I bet you never second guessed yourself. You knew what you were and you went for it. You are out and proud, yes, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I just… Couldn’t stop wondering if I haven’t been fooling myself for years.”

Gwaine had uncrossed his arms now and had his hand on Merlin’s shoulders.

“Because you didn’t want to” he said, understanding somewhat. “But there must have been plenty of occasions that you didn’t want to before.”

Merlin moved his head from one side to the other, not facing him.

“Almost two years” he agreed, nodding. “I hadn’t slept with anyone else for almost two years.”

Gwaine leaned back to his chair, letting Merlin alone, and it made somewhat easier to speak now that he wasn’t feeling so pressed.

“But there had been other people, yeah? After Arthur?” the man asked, his voice uncertain. “I mean, it’s not the first time you…”

Merlin knew his whole body was shaking as he tried to speak.

“We had… An agreement?” he asked, looking at his feet. “It was his idea.”

Gwaine snorted, clearly not surprised by that piece of news.

“Well… You know the story now. I couldn’t – I couldn’t come out. And I hated that Arthur made me so… On the last week of our first year… I just couldn’t take it anymore. I cracked. I went for him. And it was amazing, but I hoped it would be the end of it. I _wished it_ so bad, because, really, Gwaine… I could deal with having just girls around. I thought I could, at least. And the summer was coming, and we were moving out of the dorm…”

He could feel the words floating out of him even under Gwaine’s stare, and it felt like they were being ripped out of his chest.

“So I went home, and I thought ‘this is it, it is over’. I got myself a summer job to keep my mind occupied. I tried different people – the first week, I partied every night. And then… Arthur emailed me, it was like a punch in my stomach. Well, the good kind, I guess.”

That made them laugh a bit, for it was certainly a weird way of describing something good.

“I still didn’t want to… Feel anything or create any sort of bound, you know? So I kept trying. There was this girl, her family had just moved to Ealdor, and we were working on the ice cream shop together that summer. Sefa, her name was Sefa. I really liked being around her, and I thought ‘well, that shall keep Arthur out of my head’. “

“I’m betting this didn’t work”, said Gwaine, with a sad smile.

“Not as I hoped, no” agreed Merlin, looking at him. “But I really liked her. It wasn’t… I wasn’t _playing_ her or anything. She was nice. And very cute. She would flirt with me, awkwardly, still so unsure and it was… It made me feel special. Well, not really, it made me feel _normal_. As if it could be everything. As if it was enough.”

“But it wasn’t enough.”

“I still thought about him” confessed Merlin. “I tried not to reply his emails, but then, I couldn’t. He got my number, and it became… I just couldn’t ignore the fact that he made me feel something, you know? He was a douchebag, but… I don’t know.”

Merlin shook his shoulders, not knowing how to explain to someone else how Arthur managed to be a complete prat and still be charming; how he’d mistreat Merlin being at the same time kind and teasing. There were things that were so completely _Arthur_ and _who he was_ that they couldn’t be explained; they had to be felt by someone he singled out as interesting.

“So what did you do?” asked Gwaine, after a few moments.

“Well… Nothing” Merlin said, looking at Gwaine. “Sefa was there. Arthur wasn’t. It felt right, even if it didn’t feel the same. Well, we had only… Once. And we barely knew each other – we didn’t even get on before it, so… It was bound to be a mess, and I didn’t need another mess in my life, thank you. So I tried to keep him out, keep her in. She was moving out for her first year of college in the end of summer, so I knew it was bound to end. She knew it too – she just didn’t care, I guess. She said… She was just going with the flow, and I thought, well, I can do that too. I can see how it goes. No worries, no pressure, and if when I come back Arthur showed up… Well, I tried to ignore it. Sefa knew there was someone back at school, she couldn’t have missed all the texts and random calls, but it didn’t bother her, you know? It was a total summer fling to her, I dunno. And it wasn’t all about fooling around either, although certainly that was what most people saw. We’d talk, and share stories, and she’d wonder about university and what she might come across. She had plans, and they never included us staying together, so, I figured it couldn’t hurt to stay with her either.”

He looked at Gwaine, wondering if he was as an awful human being as he felt telling that story now; but the other man was smiling as if he understood it all too well.

“So, when you came back, Arthur was around again” he asked, nudging him with his foot.

“Yeah. Well, it was weird. It didn’t… It wasn’t as if we met after months and ran to each other like… We actually had a hard time communicating in person. We met a couple times before we finally kissed again, and that was… _mental_. It was as if everything just came into place, you know? I knew I was fucked up. So I told him – about all of it, my parents, and my mother, and Sefa… And he actually hadn’t waited for me the whole summer… We didn’t even decide to try, it just happened. And kept on happening, naturally. We’d meet when no one was with us, and… I was head over feet with Arthur soon enough. He’d tease me about it, you know?” Merlin allowed a longing smile to come out of his lips, remembering those long past days. “He said I couldn’t resist him – he was just too good. And he was right. He was too good. He _is_ too good for me.”

“Don’t start” said Gwaine, huffing. “That Princess is nowhere near good enough for you.”

Merlin snorted – he knew he had mess up, big time, and to be honest he was wondering how Gwaine hadn’t punched him yet. He actually decided to ask him about it, but Gwaine just laughed.

“Why would I? You are clearly much better at punishing yourself than I’ll ever be.”

Merlin gave him a sad smile, because this was too accurate. He had _no_ idea what he was going to do next, he hadn’t even had the time to think what would happen when his mother came to talk about his… _extracurricular activities_ with Arthur.

His life was a complete mess, and he had no one else to blame but himself.

 

* * *

 

Arthur had just managed to get a hold of himself when someone knocked on the door. He was more than a bit puzzled, since the doorman hadn’t warned him that someone was coming up, but he opened up anyway – one thing he could be sure of, a thief wouldn’t knock before breaking inside.

On the other side of the door stood a man, around his own age. He had brown hair, blue eyes and looked strangely familiar, but Arthur couldn’t quite place him. It must have showed on his face, for the man spoke at once.

“I’m Will.”

“Oh” said Arthur, quite taken aback by it. “How did you come up?”

“I have my ways” was all the answer he got.

For a wild moment, Arthur wondered if he had come over to punch him as well, but since he didn’t seem to be making any sort of movement that would indicate some sort of physical violence, he probably didn’t have to worry about it.

“I just dropped Hunith over Merlin’s” offered Will, his face dark. “So I decided to come over and check you in person.”

“I see” said Arthur, still unsure of what it all meant. “So?”

“So listen to _that_ you big pillock” he started, his voice menacing and full of anger. “You better make things right, and do so fast. Merlin’s a _mess_. Hunith is a _mess_. Clearly _you_ are also a mess, so, you better fix it and fix it _for good_.”

It took all of Arthur’s years of schooling is expression in front of strangers to keep him from gaping at Will.

“Is that all?” he asked, unsure if he wanted to punch Will or laugh at him.

“No!” he said, his voice rising. “If you _ever_ mess up again – if you _ever_ hurt him again – or Hunith, for that matter – I’ll fucking kill you.”

This time Arthur didn’t even try to hide his surprise.

“I thought you hated us for what we did?”

“Well, yeah” said Will, apologetic. “I kinda do. Still, he fucking loves you, so, what can I do?” he shrugged, clearly he had no idea how on the world Merlin could love Arthur. Since Arthur had been wondering exactly the same thing in the last few days, he couldn’t blame him. “So you go and make him happy, are you listening to me? You go and… Just do what you have to do so I don’t have to come here again.”

“Understood” said Arthur, nodding.

As Will left, he couldn’t stop being hopeful – if Merlin’s closest friend thought there was hope, it might not be beyond repair after all.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Will didn’t come up when Hunith arrived. With Gwaine’s help, he, Gwen and Lance had managed to cover the worst of the paintings, even if it looked somewhat sloppy. He would have to repaint the whole apartment as soon as he could.

A part of him wanted nothing more than to cry and crawl into his mother’s lap, to be comforted and cared for as he would when he was a child. On this occasion, though, he knew it could never be. It was as if his mother was the enemy, somehow.

But Hunith didn’t look distraught or angry – she looked worried, and not for the first time during that day, Merlin wondered what sort of figure he was making.

“Hey” he said, his voice quiet.

“You look like you’ve been hit by a car” she accused, clearly. “And far too skinny, haven’t you been feeding?”

It was the worst of it – she was clearly trying to pretend nothing had happened.

“Mom” he said, his voice even. “Don’t do that.”

“What? Worry about your clear lack of proper food?”

He took a deep breath before speaking again.

“Don’t pretend nothing happened.”

Hunith just stared at him for a second.

“If I was pretending nothing happened, I wouldn’t be here.”

There was little he could say to argue against that, and she put her small suitcase in the floor and looked around.

“Will says that they broke into your flat.”

“Yeah – but they didn’t take much. Mostly pictures and my computer.”

“Smart asses” she said, and Merlin blushed. His mother hardly ever used such a language, and it made something inside him break – this wasn’t his mom, not as he was used to, and would never be again.

“Mom… I’m sorry” he said, finally. “I’m so sorry, I can only…”

He saw his shoulders slouching, and saw his whole body shudder with a sob as if it was happening to someone else. He saw the tears coming out of his eyes, but he didn’t feel them burning his cheecks.

And then, suddenly, Hunith had her arms around him, holding him close.

“There, there…” she said, rubbing circles into his back. “I know you are sorry… It’s not really your fault, sweetie…”

That made him stiffen, wondering for a moment if she was blaming it all on Arthur – she had, after all, blamed his father’s behavior on Uncle Kilgare for a long while.

“Mom” he said, pushing himself away and looking inside your eyes. “You know that it isn’t… You know that… It wasn’t a mistake” he finally concluded.

She just frowned at him, as if he was absolutely insane.

“What wasn’t a mistake?”

“Me and Arthur – it is for real – it _was_ for real…”

“I know that” she answered, looking offended.

“Oh” Merlin felt like a douchebag now. “I thought… I thought…”

“Let’s just agree that the mistake was hiding it” she said, finally, taking him to the sofa.

“Aren’t you angry with me?” he asked, and even to his own ears he sounded frail and pleading.

“Why would I be?”

“Well…” he started, unsure. “After my father… You always hated gay people…”

Hunith just looked at him for a while before whispering.

“Damn Balinor…”

Merlin couldn’t react to that, there it was – it was all about to come out again.

“He did warn me you’d say that” she said, finally.

“What?” He couldn’t really wrap his head around what it meant. “Have you talked to him?”

“Merlin, you were on national news!” she reminded him, exasperated. “Of course I talked to him!”

“But… But you hate him!” he spluttered.

She cocked her head to the side a bit, looking at him.

“I might have, one day, but not anymore” she said, softly. “Besides, you are his child too. He was concerned.”

“He didn’t call me” Merlin was at loss on how to explain this bizarre turn of events.

“I asked him not to” Hunith told him, looking sorry. “I wanted to talk to you first.”

“Oh” said Merlin, once again. He wasn’t really sure where this was going, but clearly it wasn’t going to be anywhere near what he had expected.

“Balinor told me this was my fault – that I had caused you to believe you wouldn’t be accepted, that I had allowed my bitterness to harm you.” She took a deep breath. “He was right – he must have many flaws, your father, but he was right about many things, this included.”

Merlin spared a moment to just be thankful for his father, because, honestly, even if he was mostly away, it was really good to know that he’d stand by him even against his mother going ballistic.

“So you don’t hate me?” he asked, finally.

“Merlin!” his mother clearly was exasperated. “ _Of course_ I don’t hate you!” she squeezed him for good measure, and he felt giddy with excitement. “It was never a problem with gays – it was all about your father, and I just… I just got a bit carried away, that’s all. And even if it was, I’d never hate you. You are my child – it is my job to accept you for who you are. There’s nothing you can do to make me hate you. Please remember that.”

He honestly smiled at her through his tears, and she caressed his face lightly.

“I thought…”

“You were a foolish boy, that’s what you were” she cut him. “And I’m honestly far more upset about not knowing than about you being in love with another man.” Hunith looked at him, and when she spoke again, her voice was soft and caring while saying something that might have once been an offense, but now was meant as praise. “I saw how you handled those journalists, even as you were shocked and scared. You really are your father’s son through and through.”

And as she held him again, Merlin knew it would be alright – it would be better than it had ever been, because, finally, through all this mess, they had found a way to a real family.

* * *

 

Hunith left on Sunday evening. This time, it was Lance that drove her to the train station, and Merlin went with him. He hadn’t really talked to Arthur since he had left his house after Uther’s visit, although he had showed up when his mother had nagged him until he called him and asked him to come around.

She had liked Arthur right away – he was, after all, always on his best behavior around any sort of authority figures, and not his usual prattish self. They had made small talk, and traded some insults, and generally acted as if everything was perfectly fine, but what else were they supposed to do? Clearly his mother had been trying to force them into talking about the problems in their relationship (that Merlin wasn’t even sure still existed, but still), but there was no way he was going to discuss it with her standing on the other side of the wall.

So when Lancelot dropped him back to his flat, he was ready to call Arthur and talk. Someone had to make the move, and if he knew the man he had fallen for, he’d never be the one to start the conversation, especially since he didn’t know Hunith had left.

As Merlin turned the key inside the lock, he knew something was deeply wrong. The sound was far louder than usual, and it made his heart beat faster with adrenaline. Still, nothing could prepare him to what he saw when he opened the door.

There was nothing left on his living room – not a single piece of furniture, not a paper on the floor. It was all dark empty corners, and he was a bit scared of turning the lights on. He walked through the tiny hallway, and the spare bedroom (which closely resembled a cupboard and was always overflowing with things he never found the time to sort) was also absolutely empty.

He was half-way into complete freak out mode, when something caught his eye – a glimmer coming from inside the bedroom.

When Merlin pushed the door open, he found that most of his usual bedroom stuff had been replaced by candles – all colors and sizes, all lighten up, giving the room a new coloring. In the middle of it, there was Arthur, standing in a simple white shirt and black pants.

“Merlin” he said, and he seemed like he had been waiting for this for a while.

“What is the meaning of this?” he asked, for lack of something better to say. He had a million questions running inside his head, but this was the first to volunteer out of his mouth.

Arthur cleared his throat before speaking.

“I came to apologize – no, I came to ask you to forgive me for everything. I have been a terrible person to you, and you never really deserved it.”

Merlin could only gape at him. Arthur generally said he looked like a fish when doing so, and remembering this made him close his mouth.

“I was wrong – all of this time, I was wrong. I pushed you into doing things you didn’t want to and I pushed you away for doing what I told you do. I betrayed your trust and your love I can only hope that you’ll find it in you to forgive me, because I’ll never forgive myself. I truly was a condescending, idiot jerk, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to fix things between us. Please, take me back.”

That actually made Merlin grin.

“Have you trained that?” he asked, knowing too well what the answer would be.

“Why, wasn’t it good?”

Merlin laughed a bit, and Arthur smiled, coming closer.

“It just doesn’t sound like you at all” said Merlin, walking to him as well. “Who did you get to help you? Morgana?”

Arthur snorted and shook his head.

“Gwaine” he said, looking inside Merlin’s eyes. “And Will.”

“Will?”

Arthur shrugged.

“He was very adamant about some bits – candles included.”

Merlin smiled, and Arthur lift his head just a bit, so their lips touched – just a soft brush, but it sent a jolt all through Merlin’s body.

“And what’s with the missing furniture?” he asked, curious.

“Well” Arthur sounded honestly unsure now, and took a step backwards, but caught Merlin’s hand. “That’s part of that thing.”

“What thing?”

“The one in which I ask you to marry me” he said, simply, his eyes clear and expectant. “I was hoping it would help you to say yes.”

“What?” said Merlin, honestly laughing now. “This is madness!”

“Oh” said Arthur, his eyes downcast. “Well, I honestly just sent it to a storage for the night, but I’ll have it over first thing in the morning if you don’t want to…”

Merlin raised his hand, touching Arthur’s face, and forcing him to look at him.

“It’s not that simple. We’ve been through a lot… I wasn’t even sure if we’d make it – and you’re asking to marry me…”

“I know” said Arthur quickly. “I’m not trying for a quick fix, I just… I know we have a lot to talk, and a lot to solve, so… yeah. But I still want it.”

Merlin glanced at him, and there was little he wanted more than to kiss Arthur after all those days away from each other, so he did. It was exactly as he remembered, but much, much better, because know he wasn’t scared of what might happen if people found out, or if he’d never touch him again, it was just Arthur, _his_ Arthur, and his lushly lips, crooked teeth and eager tongue.

When they broke the kiss, Merlin was the first to talk.

“I am still hurt” he said, slowly.

“I know” said Arthur, holding him close. “I don’t really deserve you, you know?”

“I’ve been hearing that lately, yeah” teased Merlin, and Arthur gave a low laugh.

“I don’t want to share you” confessed Arthur, down into his ear, and his voice seemed to reverberate inside Merlin’s body. “I want you all to myself. I was a fool to think… I don’t want to share you, Merlin.”

“I don’t want anyone else either” he answered, rubbing his head against Arthur’s neck. “I never did. I just did it because I thought _you_ wanted me to.”

“God, we’re such a mess” whispered Arthur, and it was Merlin’s turn to laugh.

“Tell me about it” he agreed. “From now on, it’ll be just us.”

“No women” said Arthur, firmly.

“No women” agreed Merlin, lightly.

“And no men either” he added, and Merlin raised his eyebrows.

“Not even a threesome now and then?” he teased, and Arthur huffed before kissing him again as if he depended on it to breath –which made absolutely no sense since it was quite hard to actually breath when kissing someone like that.

“I missed you so much” breathed Arthur, moving to kiss the rest of Merlin’s face. “All the time – I…”

“I missed you too” he said,  running his hands through Arthur’s hair. “Every second.”

“Don’t ever leave me again” ordered Arthur, and Merlin laughed.

“I didn’t leave you!”

“It felt like it” said Arthur, and stopped the kissing to look at Merlin for a second. “You should have. Why are you taking me back?”

“Because I am a stupid, stupid man, completely in love with an utter pillock and ready to forgive everything if he forgives me as well” said Merlin, crashing his lips against Arthur’s.

After that, it was hard to keep track of what happened – Arthur’s face was against his neck, and the beginnings of stubble gave him shivers as he kissed it. Merlin’s hands were digging deep into the skin of his back, pulling and pushing at once, desperate for contact.

He couldn’t say when he lost his shirt, but he would always remember when Arthur took out his, his skin and hair shining under the candlelight. He had never been more beautiful, and Merlin had never wanted him so much, not even before their first kiss.

Arthur took his time with Merlin, opening his pants slowly, spreading kisses through every inch of flesh he could find, helping him out of his clothes, and proceeding to kiss the whole of his skinny legs. They had made love many times before, but Merlin had never felt like this – as if he was being worshiped, especially when Arthur kneeled in front of him and proceeded to take Merlin’s cock, the lower lip exploring the whole length of it, just to be followed by tongue, and as he wrapped his mouth around it, Merlin let out a small cry of pleasure and surprise.

He didn’t push himself against Arthur, he didn’t hold Arthur’s hair, but he held his face and hoped that the tender gesture would show just how much he appreciated Arthur’s care. For long, excruciatingly good and yet painful minutes, he just watched as Arthur moved his head forward and backwards and used his hands to keep on caressing Merlin’s body – not in heated lust, with something far deeper.

As Arthur stopped and stood up, he couldn’t avoid doing the same thing and touching, kissing and feeling every single part of Arthur’s body – the angles of his knees and the roughness of his tights, or the silky touch of his cock against his face. It was all there, again, and he could sense every bit of it for as long as he wanted.

Honestly, he had been so caught up in the whole missing furniture thing that he hadn’t noticed that his mattress was still there, waiting to be used until Arthur pulled him to it. He wanted to complain about his cockiness in believing he’d just fall into bed with him like that after everything, but as Arthur kissed him, rubbing his whole body against Merlin’s, he felt a shudder move him and the moment was lost. It didn’t really matter.

He could only smile as Arthur got some lubricant and a condom, and got ready to enter Merlin. The grin became a gasp as he felt Arthur’s finger against his hole, teasing and touching, asking to be let in again the same way Arthur had asked him to take him back. And, the same way his heart had allowed it, his body also did, relishing on the touch and asking for more.

It began slowly, as Arthur pushed inside inch by inch. Some part of him wanted to scream for him to get a move on, but a bigger part understood that this was Arthur’s way to show this was not just sex. He moved as carefully as if Merlin was a virgin, and he felt himself blushing a bit, because it did feel like it was the first time. In some ways – many ways – it was, for the Arthur and Merlin that were involved in it weren’t the same ones that had shared a bed for years.

Still, he delighted when Arthur picked up the pace, and as he felt his boyfriend’s hand around his cock, moving in sync with the thrust, he couldn’t hold a moan. It was as if Arthur was the whole world – he was inside him, around him, upon him, all at once, and Merlin couldn’t stop chanting his name as if it were a prayer, a prayer that it would never end.

He didn’t even heard the sound of skin slapping against skin on the last frantic minutes, because Arthur too was mumbling, calling him, praising him, and it was more than he had ever known that sex could be, he was disappearing, melting, fusing with Arthur and there was no Merlin anymore, and no Arthur either, but one thing that was only whole when together, as if they were two sides of the same coin and couldn’t exist apart.

Merlin came hard, half a wail and half a sob, at the same time he felt Arthur spending himself out inside him, their eyes locked in an eternal moment of awe. Arthur lowered his head, claiming his lips, and Merlin offered them as he offered everything else: completely.

As they stopped panting, Arthur was the first to speak again.

“Marry me, Merlin. We’ll talk, and we’ll solve things and we’ll get over this. Please, marry me.”

“I will” whispered Merlin, pulling his back for another kiss.

He knew it wouldn’t be easy – it would be incredibly hard and impossibly challenging. They were still Arthur and Merlin, even if they had grown from the last events. It would never be simple and uncomplicated, as Lance and Gwen, for example. There would always be problems, but they would face them together. It wouldn’t be perfect – but Merlin didn’t want perfect, he wanted this, and had never really wanted anything else.

It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was going to be alright, and that was enough.


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

 

Merlin looked beautiful in his blue velvet suit. Hunith also cut quite a dashing figure in red, and seemed proud and calm while Merlin’s maniac grin couldn’t really hide how anxious he was.

Arthur smiled – he knew it couldn’t be any different. Even after almost two years, Merlin was still more than a bit jumpy when it came to public displaying his affection, and there could hardly be anything more public than this.

“You lucky bastard” whispered Gwaine, by his side, and Arthur grinned even more. On the other side of the makeshift altar, Morgana was clearly fighting against any sort of emotional outburst. On the front roll, Gwen wasn’t having nearly as much luck as she cried her eyes out and Lance rubbed her back.

As Merlin came to stand beside him, Arthur couldn’t think of any moment in his whole life that was happier than this.

 

* * *

 

 

Arthur was tired. He had danced with Hunith, Morgana, Morgause, Gwen, Elena and a number of Merlin’s relatives that he couldn’t even remember the name. He also had felt obligated to make some small talk before being allowed to dance with his new husband.

“I can’t wait to leave” whispered Merlin on his ear, still smiling. “I can’t say how many times I heard the same things, over and over!”

“Well, that’s how weddings go” he said, before nodding to Will, who winked at them as he took Mithian’s younger sister away from the dance floor.

“I know” said Merlin, trying and failing not to step on Arthur’s feet. “That’s why I wanted to have just a small ceremony, no party, nothing, but no, you wouldn’t hear of it!”

“You mean _Morgana_ wouldn’t hear it” answered Arthur, smirking.

“She kept on blackmailing me!” complained Merlin, shaking his head. “She can be really scary! I don’t know how she knows half of the things she does!”

“I’ve been telling you that for years” said Arthur, but he knew that Merlin didn’t really mind the whole big wedding thing, he was just tired. He had actually been as excited as Morgana about it.

“Still scary” mumbled Merlin.

“You know what’s scary?” said Arthur, looking at his husband’s face. “Your step-father. He’s really creepy.”

Merlin laughed out loud at that, and Arthur could see Kilgare looking at them from his table.

“I’m serious. He kept on telling me this was _destiny_ and that it was _meant to happen_ and when I told him you mostly hated me when he met he said that _a half cannot truly hate what makes it whole_. He never gives a straight answer; it is like he only talks in riddles. Creepy, I’m telling you.”

Merlin just grinned at him, shaking his head at the same time.

“I’m sure you’ll survive it” he teased, and Arthur tilted his head.

“I don’t know, I might be scarred for life.”

That made Merlin laugh once again, before kissing him lightly on the face.

“I’ll love you anyway.”

“You better” said Arthur, smiling at him. “You’re stuck with me now.”

And as Merlin answered with his brightest smile and came closer for a proper kiss, the whole world could have crumbled and ended that Arthur wouldn’t notice it.

* * *

 

 

 

It wasn’t simple, but it was right. Their life was not always happy, but it was truly _theirs_ , so, they could deal with the occasional anger. They fought a lot – especially since they had finally started to _talk_ to each other. Morgana still thought they were idiots, and Will still offered to ruin Arthur’s face, but that was good. Neither of them had ever wanted a dull life anyway.

And even as Arthur forgot to clean the sink properly, even as Merlin left his wet towel upon the bed, even as they screamed and banged doors, they were glad to have stuck to each other as much as when they shared jokes, ate popcorn, walked hand in hand or kissed deeply during shower.

Some people would have given up – some people wouldn’t understand and say it was terrible and that it would be their downfall one day, as it had been before.

But to Merlin and Arthur, it didn’t really matter – if this was a downfall, it was the sweetest one of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is finally done! It feels like running a marathon - well, it was exactly like running a marathon. 
> 
> The ending is sappy, I know, but I've suffered much while plotting and writing this that I wanted it to just end in fluff.
> 
> Thank you all for reading and I hope it wasn't a total waste of your time.


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